..........I cut him out completely and he still manages to get in here and fuck with my head. This feels like the day after we broke up. And i'm so tired of it. I just don't want to hold these feelings in me ANY MORE. He is a cheating, lying piece of shit. He never was anything i ever gave him credit for. He has more than proven that to me. So. WHY can't this just be over in my heart like it is in my head?
Fucker.
He's beginning to tell people about his impending fatherhood. How do i know this? Because now people are contacting me with "omg i'm so sorry" messages. Apparently i'm not the only one that knows how to do math.
I have always kept his confidences. Always had his back EVEN while he was stabbing me in mine. He never deserved it. That's love though, isn't it? You don't earn it. You can't keep it if it's not real.
He did me a favor. Thats the bottom line. I am terrified of my stupidity and purposeful blindness when i remember how i offered to have his baby right before i turned 40. I said, "it's now or never, or you'll have to find another mama"..........I guess he chose the latter. Did i want another child? Enough to want to give him one of his own- even though i knew the struggle would be real. I knew it would be all on me. And yet.
He's a lot of things. Dumb isn't one. Anyone who thinks he is will be making a horrible mistake. He is conniving and manipulative - and he knows what to say and when - IF it benefits him. And HE is all that matters in his world.
So i'm thrown back 6-months. ANY contact with him, even via someone else STILL does this to me. Fuck it. I'll be back on my feet again in no time. My heart will catch up with my head and I will be fine again. Someday he simply won't register on my give a shit meter. Trust.
Fucker.
He's beginning to tell people about his impending fatherhood. How do i know this? Because now people are contacting me with "omg i'm so sorry" messages. Apparently i'm not the only one that knows how to do math.
I have always kept his confidences. Always had his back EVEN while he was stabbing me in mine. He never deserved it. That's love though, isn't it? You don't earn it. You can't keep it if it's not real.
He did me a favor. Thats the bottom line. I am terrified of my stupidity and purposeful blindness when i remember how i offered to have his baby right before i turned 40. I said, "it's now or never, or you'll have to find another mama"..........I guess he chose the latter. Did i want another child? Enough to want to give him one of his own- even though i knew the struggle would be real. I knew it would be all on me. And yet.
He's a lot of things. Dumb isn't one. Anyone who thinks he is will be making a horrible mistake. He is conniving and manipulative - and he knows what to say and when - IF it benefits him. And HE is all that matters in his world.
So i'm thrown back 6-months. ANY contact with him, even via someone else STILL does this to me. Fuck it. I'll be back on my feet again in no time. My heart will catch up with my head and I will be fine again. Someday he simply won't register on my give a shit meter. Trust.
Comments
Post a Comment