House of Cards

I'm so close to completing my final project for the art course i'm taking......i can taste it.  The altered book i've been working on has been both a blessing and a curse, at times saving me from myself and a negative thought pattern.  I've put a lot of me into this project.

As someone who has never been "good" at artistic endeavors this whole experience has been a pleasant surprise.  I signed up because it is completely off my beaten track, nothing i would have even considered taking if my life hadn't been in such complete disarray during the registration period.  I wanted to be anyone but me, DO anything but what i normally did........and my only regret, as usual, is that i didn't do it sooner.

Sometimes mistakes turn into the most beautiful expressions of what we need to convey.  I'm someone who is comfortable with words and now i have found a brand new way of communication without sound or even context.  It just, is.  

The more time out I have the more i realize how very filled my life is.  I am in transition, yes.  I have no physical roots at the moment, yes.  I am alone for the first time in my life, yet, i am never alone.  Even when my body is the only breath in the room - I am never alone.  There is no panicked voice in my head telling me no-one loves me because since i have been set free there has been NOTHING but love and support in my life.  It's really kind of amazing.  

I find myself in a good place at the moment.  The summer is being layed out in front of me like a blank page in a journal......i get to fill it with whatever i want.   I may actually use my vacation time and take a trip to visit a friend.  I may visit several friends!  

I haven't gotten myself pre-approved for the condo yet because every time  I think about it i have a mini heart attack.  But i think i've worked through all the "what ifs" and i'm ready to jump.  If only i could use the same caution when entering romantic relationships!  haha i'm so funny.  It's time.  

I'm scared of this lightness, this "happy" feeling.  I don't trust it, or that it will last.  But......what have i got to lose by enjoying it while it's here?  Not a damn thing.