Where do i start? How do i sort this out? Do i really need to or am i obsessing? "Thinking too much"........
My therapist, as i have stated before, is awesome. I'm so glad i found her. She has a lovely sense of humor and isn't at all stodgy, however, she doesn't pull any punches. She is succinct, one of my favorite qualities for a person to have. At the end of my last session she told me to pay attention to how my body is reacting to given situations (certain people and/or situations literally make me sick) and then told me "Maybe you have chemistry with the wrong kind of man"......so simple. so dead on true.
What is this push i have to find a mate? Why is it necessary to me? It's not as if i don't have enough to do, and there is plenty more waiting should i decide i'm bored of what i'm currently occupied with. Why do i continually search? For the first time in my life I am alone. That can be said with a exclamation happy face, or a period with a sad face. My experience thus far has been both. There are times i am SO happy I don't have a man. Like when i hear one whining. I think "ha, I don't have to give a shit"........and at the same time, that thinking can and should be applied to any whining man, in a relationship or not. Whining, is simply unacceptable.
I had to delete a diatribe right there, above. It went from whining to a whole bunch of other unacceptable behaviors i have endured in the name of love. The difference now, that i've had some time is that i no longer blame the men I have been with. I blame myself for taking such shit. I have two feet and a brain that functions, i should have used both and vamoosed. I think the worse their behavior the more i thought I could soothe the lion, making me lovable. Making me comforting and loyal and worth staying with. Because i take your shit and you in turn never leave me. The worse your behavior the tighter i hold on.
That's majorly fucked up. Thanks mom.
I've always hated it when grown ass people blame their parents for their own fuckedupedness. Your are an adult, you know the difference. Do better. But i have to admit, my action are most certainly my own doing- how i feel about myself is based on how my mother never valued me. How i was ignored for most of my young life and then thrown away like garbage at 16. I think, no matter how much i don't want to give that woman any credit for anything in my current life, i have to admit that that relationship has colored how i feel about my own worth. My own potential. My own ability.
Well. Fuck you mom. I AM blaming your shitty parenting for my inability to let go of men that treat me poorly. My coping has always been "do the opposite of what she would have done" and thats just as unhealthy and dysfunctional. So i've been as crappy as you, only on the other side of the spectrum. You loved yourself above ALL others and i've loved everyone else above myself. I have never made a choice that made me feel good without wondering if i deserved to. Never. I always feel bad about anything that is solely there to make me happy.
ANYWAY.
As much as i hate reviewing my childhood, this therapist has done a great job of not making my present ALL ABOUT my past. However, there are links - of course. And she has been great about making me see them. And not brush them off. I deserve to be loved, and treated well. Of course! you say - I would say ..........but I still have a hard time believing it when it comes to ME. Its meant for everyone else.
This isn't a "oh feel sorry for poor MB" post. It's a written black and white acknowledgement that I have some serious self image shit going on that needs to be dealt with.
I believed that my ex broke up with me because I had become reclusive and fat. There. I had gotten to the point that i no longer looked in a full length mirror because there was just so much of me to see. I felt ugly, fat, old, sad.....and that this must be the reason he no longer came home and if he did, why he no longer looked at me, or talked to me.......or anything me. So I got worse. and I saw him less. And he found someone else. So there it was, what i had been waiting for. I was not worth keeping, or helping, or loving unless I was skinny, happy all the time, young, pretty. I proved myself right into a severe depression that began way before he left me.
Maybe another man would have handled my decline differently. Maybe he would have helped me crawl out of the darkness. I don't know. The bottom line is I had to do it myself. I could and i did, do it myself. Depression is not a choice any more than drug addiction is. The only people i hear saying that stupid shit is the ones who haven't YET experienced either. No one chooses this. Coming out of it does require some self talk, even if you don't believe it. Even if you are faking it till you make it. Whatever it takes, that's my new motto. Happy is such a better place to be, but also so much scarier. There's something to lose. Or someone.
Obviously a rambling no purpose blog to anyone reading it. But things that needed to be said to myself, as someone who loves me. The smarmy memes that remind us that happiness begins within....they aren't lying.
My therapist, as i have stated before, is awesome. I'm so glad i found her. She has a lovely sense of humor and isn't at all stodgy, however, she doesn't pull any punches. She is succinct, one of my favorite qualities for a person to have. At the end of my last session she told me to pay attention to how my body is reacting to given situations (certain people and/or situations literally make me sick) and then told me "Maybe you have chemistry with the wrong kind of man"......so simple. so dead on true.
What is this push i have to find a mate? Why is it necessary to me? It's not as if i don't have enough to do, and there is plenty more waiting should i decide i'm bored of what i'm currently occupied with. Why do i continually search? For the first time in my life I am alone. That can be said with a exclamation happy face, or a period with a sad face. My experience thus far has been both. There are times i am SO happy I don't have a man. Like when i hear one whining. I think "ha, I don't have to give a shit"........and at the same time, that thinking can and should be applied to any whining man, in a relationship or not. Whining, is simply unacceptable.
I had to delete a diatribe right there, above. It went from whining to a whole bunch of other unacceptable behaviors i have endured in the name of love. The difference now, that i've had some time is that i no longer blame the men I have been with. I blame myself for taking such shit. I have two feet and a brain that functions, i should have used both and vamoosed. I think the worse their behavior the more i thought I could soothe the lion, making me lovable. Making me comforting and loyal and worth staying with. Because i take your shit and you in turn never leave me. The worse your behavior the tighter i hold on.
That's majorly fucked up. Thanks mom.
I've always hated it when grown ass people blame their parents for their own fuckedupedness. Your are an adult, you know the difference. Do better. But i have to admit, my action are most certainly my own doing- how i feel about myself is based on how my mother never valued me. How i was ignored for most of my young life and then thrown away like garbage at 16. I think, no matter how much i don't want to give that woman any credit for anything in my current life, i have to admit that that relationship has colored how i feel about my own worth. My own potential. My own ability.
Well. Fuck you mom. I AM blaming your shitty parenting for my inability to let go of men that treat me poorly. My coping has always been "do the opposite of what she would have done" and thats just as unhealthy and dysfunctional. So i've been as crappy as you, only on the other side of the spectrum. You loved yourself above ALL others and i've loved everyone else above myself. I have never made a choice that made me feel good without wondering if i deserved to. Never. I always feel bad about anything that is solely there to make me happy.
ANYWAY.
As much as i hate reviewing my childhood, this therapist has done a great job of not making my present ALL ABOUT my past. However, there are links - of course. And she has been great about making me see them. And not brush them off. I deserve to be loved, and treated well. Of course! you say - I would say ..........but I still have a hard time believing it when it comes to ME. Its meant for everyone else.
This isn't a "oh feel sorry for poor MB" post. It's a written black and white acknowledgement that I have some serious self image shit going on that needs to be dealt with.
I believed that my ex broke up with me because I had become reclusive and fat. There. I had gotten to the point that i no longer looked in a full length mirror because there was just so much of me to see. I felt ugly, fat, old, sad.....and that this must be the reason he no longer came home and if he did, why he no longer looked at me, or talked to me.......or anything me. So I got worse. and I saw him less. And he found someone else. So there it was, what i had been waiting for. I was not worth keeping, or helping, or loving unless I was skinny, happy all the time, young, pretty. I proved myself right into a severe depression that began way before he left me.
Maybe another man would have handled my decline differently. Maybe he would have helped me crawl out of the darkness. I don't know. The bottom line is I had to do it myself. I could and i did, do it myself. Depression is not a choice any more than drug addiction is. The only people i hear saying that stupid shit is the ones who haven't YET experienced either. No one chooses this. Coming out of it does require some self talk, even if you don't believe it. Even if you are faking it till you make it. Whatever it takes, that's my new motto. Happy is such a better place to be, but also so much scarier. There's something to lose. Or someone.
Obviously a rambling no purpose blog to anyone reading it. But things that needed to be said to myself, as someone who loves me. The smarmy memes that remind us that happiness begins within....they aren't lying.
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