Today you called me twice in a row. I know this because although my phone doesn't ring and you cannot leave a message or text, it does let me know when a blocked caller has called. I'm not sure why it does that. I don't need to know you called any more than i need to answer, or listen to a message.
I'm sure your reason had to do with our cat. I know you are sad. We are all sad. You shouldn't look for comfort in me, if that is in fact why you called. I'm not the one. I certainly am not looking to you for any comfort. I don't want to cry with you, or talk about funny things she did. You aren't the one.
You were at one time but you didn't want that anymore. You made your choice and now you get to live with it. Any shaky relationship we had left ended with your last "fuck you" to me. It was in that moment that i realized you had no care for me, probably never had. You cared for yourself, and for what i could do for you, what i could give to you. Every "insecurity" I ever had regarding you was confirmed in that one single moment. It was never about us. It was always about you.
You've told my to fuck off many times and it's embarrassing to see it here in black and white and know that i accepted it. But that day, after having spent the majority of the day justifiably worrying about YOU and YOUR life, that was the day I knew. All i wanted was for you to be okay. It's all i ever wanted. And at the end of that day I even told you I loved you, and that i wanted the best for you- and your response was "Fuck you". That was us, even though there was no more us. I knew i wanted nothing more to do with you, that any continued contact with you would invite more of the same disrespect and pain.
There has been no drama in my life since we parted. Can you say the same? What does that tell you?
I never lied to you. I told you I don't look back, I move on. I'm not sure why you didn't believe me (or didn't care to) when i've left others behind and not looked back. My mother, my sister, my ex husband of 20 years......Did you really think you would be different? You had me. You had 110% of me. You didn't want me and now you don't have me. You don't get to call me when you feel sad, or mad, or any time at all. You gave that up. I thought i couldn't live without you in my life. I was wrong.
Our relationship was chucked out the window by you in a matter of seconds. It held no value for you. You made no attempt at working with me to fix it, even when i asked you to go to counseling. You just wanted out. You just wanted it over. There was no doubt in you then, and there is no doubt in ME now.
So yes, there is a part of me that will always love you, because i am human and imperfect. I am not capable of cutting that love out and throwing it away in an instant. It will take me time. Each day it will grow smaller and smaller until I no longer remember what it felt like to love you.
Just as you wanted.
I'm sure your reason had to do with our cat. I know you are sad. We are all sad. You shouldn't look for comfort in me, if that is in fact why you called. I'm not the one. I certainly am not looking to you for any comfort. I don't want to cry with you, or talk about funny things she did. You aren't the one.
You were at one time but you didn't want that anymore. You made your choice and now you get to live with it. Any shaky relationship we had left ended with your last "fuck you" to me. It was in that moment that i realized you had no care for me, probably never had. You cared for yourself, and for what i could do for you, what i could give to you. Every "insecurity" I ever had regarding you was confirmed in that one single moment. It was never about us. It was always about you.
You've told my to fuck off many times and it's embarrassing to see it here in black and white and know that i accepted it. But that day, after having spent the majority of the day justifiably worrying about YOU and YOUR life, that was the day I knew. All i wanted was for you to be okay. It's all i ever wanted. And at the end of that day I even told you I loved you, and that i wanted the best for you- and your response was "Fuck you". That was us, even though there was no more us. I knew i wanted nothing more to do with you, that any continued contact with you would invite more of the same disrespect and pain.
There has been no drama in my life since we parted. Can you say the same? What does that tell you?
I never lied to you. I told you I don't look back, I move on. I'm not sure why you didn't believe me (or didn't care to) when i've left others behind and not looked back. My mother, my sister, my ex husband of 20 years......Did you really think you would be different? You had me. You had 110% of me. You didn't want me and now you don't have me. You don't get to call me when you feel sad, or mad, or any time at all. You gave that up. I thought i couldn't live without you in my life. I was wrong.
Our relationship was chucked out the window by you in a matter of seconds. It held no value for you. You made no attempt at working with me to fix it, even when i asked you to go to counseling. You just wanted out. You just wanted it over. There was no doubt in you then, and there is no doubt in ME now.
So yes, there is a part of me that will always love you, because i am human and imperfect. I am not capable of cutting that love out and throwing it away in an instant. It will take me time. Each day it will grow smaller and smaller until I no longer remember what it felt like to love you.
Just as you wanted.
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