The good news is that the happy feeling is still mostly with me. The bad news is that I majorly triggered myself and basically had a shut down. Only for one night and a day though. So i consider this progress on my part.
I didn't call everyone in creation as if i was drowning. I wasn't. I was just very very sad and my brain was saturated with memories, good and bad. I sat with it. I lay there all night allowing myself to think and to feel and to deal. In the morning I took care of myself by calling in to work and having a day of silence with just me, myself and I. I didn't force the happy face on, I didn't damper the feelings rioting through me, and i didn't stop the tears with a strong face. I just let it all come, and go, and come again.
The temptation was strong to stay in bed and sleep - however, that's just another avoidance technique that i'm quite good at using. All it does is prolong the pain and anxiety. I still have to deal with it when i finally wake up.
Waking up is a good way to describe my life at this point- because i really have been asleep at the wheel for many years. Knowing, and refusing to accept the truth of my situation does not make for a lasting relationship or happiness. It didn't save me, ignoring the truth. All it did was leave the element of surprise in play, a horrible, painful surprise. Now i've learned. Just because i believed he would be a good man didn't make him a good man. Not for me.
I played my part in the game and that's something that has to be accepted. I had the freedom to move on at any time and never did. I must have fed off the misery and drama just as much as he did. The difference is, i've had my fill and I don't want any more.........ever. The first sign of mixed emotions where i'm concerned is all i'll ever need to move it along elsewhere. I've spent too much of my life with men who didn't give as much to the relationship as i did, and that won't be happening again.
So while some days I cry - most days i grow, and stretch towards the light.
I didn't call everyone in creation as if i was drowning. I wasn't. I was just very very sad and my brain was saturated with memories, good and bad. I sat with it. I lay there all night allowing myself to think and to feel and to deal. In the morning I took care of myself by calling in to work and having a day of silence with just me, myself and I. I didn't force the happy face on, I didn't damper the feelings rioting through me, and i didn't stop the tears with a strong face. I just let it all come, and go, and come again.
The temptation was strong to stay in bed and sleep - however, that's just another avoidance technique that i'm quite good at using. All it does is prolong the pain and anxiety. I still have to deal with it when i finally wake up.
Waking up is a good way to describe my life at this point- because i really have been asleep at the wheel for many years. Knowing, and refusing to accept the truth of my situation does not make for a lasting relationship or happiness. It didn't save me, ignoring the truth. All it did was leave the element of surprise in play, a horrible, painful surprise. Now i've learned. Just because i believed he would be a good man didn't make him a good man. Not for me.
I played my part in the game and that's something that has to be accepted. I had the freedom to move on at any time and never did. I must have fed off the misery and drama just as much as he did. The difference is, i've had my fill and I don't want any more.........ever. The first sign of mixed emotions where i'm concerned is all i'll ever need to move it along elsewhere. I've spent too much of my life with men who didn't give as much to the relationship as i did, and that won't be happening again.
So while some days I cry - most days i grow, and stretch towards the light.
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