Good Nerves?

Self imposed deadlines are sometimes the absolute worst to actually meet.  By the end of this month I HAVE to pre-qualify for a mortgage - which will officially place me in debt for the rest of my days.

I am scared shitless.

But also excited.  Very.  Excited.

I have never lived alone.  I have never had to not consider someone else in where i chose to live. I can look for what I want, just me.  No compromise.  (aside from between the bank and I) 

There is a part of me that wants to just pack up the little i have, throw it into a UHaul and hit the road.  The only problem is I don't have a burning desire to GO live anywhere else.  Apathetic?  Or maybe it's the knowledge that it's pretty much the same everywhere.  People are people are people.  I can and do adapt to any situation so it makes no difference to me.  That, and I actually like where i work.  

Higganum is beautiful, there is no denying it.  Trees everywhere, narrow bumpy roads, pitch black darkness so you can see every star in the sky and silence from anything but actual living things at night. And there are a lot of living things in those trees.  Deer come right up  to the house at all times of day. Not one or two- herds.  I'll never grow tired of watching them.  BUT

it is so damn far away from everything, yet not far enough- if far is what i'm looking for.  Which i'm not.

The Rubin Museum in New York City is a slice of Zen right in the middle of chaos.  That is what i want.  Every possibility of everything outside my door, and tranquility inside my home with the ability to block out the world.  This, is what i'm looking for- what i will create.  

I know I want a window over the kitchen sink, and that the bathrooms must also have windows.  Sunlight and fresh air make me happy. Every room must have the ability to let it in.  Curtains can be closed, windows cannot simply appear.   A garage would be lovely, but it's only on my "if possible" list.  For the right place i would give up not having to clean snow off my car, or the privacy of not having everyone know if i'm home or not.  Two bedrooms a must, and an open floor plan - or the ability to create one without too much fuss.  I must be able to move in and live there while i do whatever needs doing, updating, fixing - whatever.  It need not be pretty- it needs the potential to be made truly mine.  My haven.

At least for now.  I have such mixed feelings about living alone.........i'm sad sometimes, knowing that no-one will be there when I come home.  That cooking, cleaning, reading, watching tv, working on projects- will be a solo activity.  At the same time, that sounds divine.........so full of peace and no fighting.  No slamming doors to make me jump and wonder about.  No one yelling my name with something more important that needs to be done for them, than what i was doing.  It might not be so horrible living alone at all.  No messes to clean up after someone else. At least until I find someone who feels the same way.  And as we all know by now- it happens when it happens. Not before then.

Patience and restraint are something i seem to have found again, like it was there all along but got packed away with the holiday decorations and never got used.

Patience to be myself but continue to breathe.  I won't hold my breath for anyone again.  I'm enthusiastic about people, and things that i like- but people have their own agenda and i need to take my time in finding out exactly what that is before i jump in with both feet.  That's where the restraint comes in.  Relax MB.  My every passing thought does not need to be verbalized.  Enjoy the silence instead of feeling lonely in it.  Embrace the nothing when it comes instead of resenting or fearing it.  It's okay to not have a feeling about every damn thing.  And it's also okay to have strong feelings and not let them be known.  

So- get that mortgage, find that home and get to figuring myself out.  Yahoo!