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what would Buddha do?

Over the past 6 months so many of my feelings have been conflicted that I tend to second guess my reactions to people and situations more than i ever have in the past.  I don't always trust my initial reaction any more.  My instincts with people must be flawed if i could have been so wrong about the person i thought was closest to me.

Part of me knows that isn't true, and is in fact, quite self centered.  To think I had anything to do with what HE did....that's just me still trying to be part of the life i thought i had with him.  There are two sides of me now.......the one that remembers how i thought it was, and the one that clearly sees how it really was.

I don't want to live that double life ever again, where what is really happening is ignored so that I don't hurt anyone, or disrupt anything.

This may be extremely childish, but it's how i feel.  Friends of mine shouldn't be accepting his new fuck into their lives.  If they ever cared for me at all, it makes no sense that they would welcome her with open arms simply because she is now with him.  This is the woman he was fucking while he was with me.

Part of me is tired of it and doesn't give a flying fuck.  Honestly, i have grown sick of thinking about him and anything to do with him.  NOW i'm upset over friends I thought were close inviting this bitch to sit at their dinner table and acting like the whole situation is normal and acceptable.

You know what i would do? I would say Hello to be polite and then i would ignore that cunt.  If I was my "friend" I wouldn't sit there asking getting to know you questions and immediately accepting her just because he was fucking her.  My friends are not made of convenience.  

I'm rambling because It's on my mind.  It hurts.  It hurts like a mother fucker to have it get back to me that this woman has literally taken my place with no effort at all ....like i never mattered.  Not to him, not to some friends i made through him.  That or their standards are really lacking.  Horribly.,

To act like i don't care, and it doesn't matter is a lie.  I won't lie.  I may be selfish, childish, and fucked in the head.....but i'm honest about it.  I would never stab my friend in the back because it was convenient.  And i won't accept it either.


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