Skip to main content

When you go backwards

 Yesterday on a whim that i did not control i reached out to Mr. Tattoo via text.

He responded and we had a short, kinda funny, interaction.  By the time it was finished, quickly, i had arrived in a different place in my head.

He's all about the sex, that hasn't changed.  But me?  As a person?  It was never that, and it never will be.  I romanticize him in my head as "the one i couldn't have".......but i can have what he offered, pretty much anywhere.

Yes, i still get a thrill when i interact with him......but that was chemistry.  We knew how to work each other without having to figure it out.  In that, we were a perfect match.

But in life?  We will never know. So strange but that little interaction felt like a door closing in my heart. I peeked in to see if he had softened, and everything was exactly as we left it.  All about sex. Really really great sex.  sigh.

Now Bill.  He has gone silent and disappeared.  This leaves me to wonder if he got back with his ex, or found someone else.  He doesn't let go of anyone. Whatever the reason, I also reached out to him because i wondered if he threw my earrings out ....I'm a glutton for punishment.  He replied that no, he had not and that i would get them back "soon enough".

hmmm.

He had told me previously that he was working on himself.  But he had said that before.  maybe this time he is?

What that has to do with me is not a thing.  Except, i'm nosy, and i'm still obsessed.  Good, bad, indifferent, that is the truth.  I'd love to have the door closing conversation with him as well....not have a need for reaching out.

I have therapy this morning.  I'm thinking this might be the last session with this person.  I'm not sure she is for me. But today i will focus on my anxious attachment style......i need to be retrained.  



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Sunday funday

 I stayed in bed until 8am.  Yes, i was scrolling my phone, but still........i was in bed.  Also, i made coffee and brought it BACK to bed.....so yes, technically, i remained in bed until 8am. I have a hard time staying up past 9pm.  And then i can't sleep past 6:30 at the latest.  When did that happen? Yesterday, i was ready for bed by 7pm at the birthday party.   I got to hold, okay, i TOOK the 6 day old premie babie and cradled his little body for a longggg time.  I layed him in my lap so i could see him, and he could strettttttttch his tiny body.  This little boy, normally, would still be baking in the womb.......but here he is, tiny and mighty, in my lap.  His tiny hands, his tiny FEET.  OMG.  New mamma was happy to be with her family and socialize, but new daddy, stayed close.  He talked about all the things CJ does already.......sleep, eat, poop.   He is a very nice young man, very in tune with his sons wh...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »