purposeful change

i've been listening to a lot of podcasts that have nothing to do with true crime. (my crutch)

I have fallen into the "self help" hole, and i've gone deep.  I feel like I am the type of person that would have followed Charlie Manson...except i value cleanliness and daily showers.  I could never live a dirty life.  But follow a crazy man?  If he knew how to talk, i probably would.

I used to be fascinated, became fascinated with Charlie while i was in high school.  Everything i read was about him, the family, the murders.  Every book, movie, tv show, you name it........i ate it up.  One thing he said, the hook for me was I take in all the youth you throw away.

I've always been a throwaway.  So i identified immediately and totally understood the draw.

The violence?  I couldn't participate in hurting anyone who wasn't hurting me or someone i loved in an act or random violence.  I'm not made that way.  I'm also not afraid enough of anyone to feel forced into acting in a way that will hurt someone else without needing to for my own safety.

I'm not violent.  I am defensive though.  But someone would need to be meaning to do me harm in order for me to act that way.

I digress.

So these self help podcasts and books.......i've always taken them with a grain of salt.  Someone making money on someone elses pain and confusion.   Thats how i viewed it.  Someone's opinion based on zero research.  I'm a research girl.

But i'm realizing that i am definetly anxiously attached to men specifically.  And i want to change that.  I want to feel secure, with or without the object of my affection.  These spirals that take over me?  I want them gone.  My value on this earth has nothing to do with a man wanting me.

I know all of this in my head.  Yet, my emotions, my feelings.....they take over.  And usually in an overly defensive or not defensive at all posture.  I'm either fighting for attention, or laying down and accepting the crumbs someone might put down for me.  I hate that about myself.  How i fall out of character so quickly as soon as i identify a man as someone i want to be with.

Fear.  it rules me.  And i react to it.  I fall into it face first.  

And i drown.  I obsess, overthink, zero in on HIM and his actions or inactions toward me.  

Not with everyone. Just the ones i'm finding myself falling for.  Specifically, Carlos and Bill.

Both very different men.  One so polite and considerate, the other rude and obnoxious.  So what drew me to THEM and not any of the others?

The challenge? or the gaurantee of failure?  Self prophosy of "of course they would't want me". 

And why did i, do i, care?

These men are so different but both are emotionally unavailable.  Both had trauma in their past.  Real trauma.  Both are 100% masculine and look nothing alike.  If they stood next to each other you would never think the same woman would have dated both.  Thats how different they appear.

But it's the trauma i think i smell.......identify.......and recognize.  Maybe?  It's literally the only thing they have in common.

I loved to love Carlos, and i hated to love Bill.  When i say "love" i mean the feeling of potential love- the beginings of serious attachment that scared the living shit out of me.  Attachment means potential loss, and loss means pain.  So.........do i chase the pain?

I'm rambling.  Trying to figure myself out.

If a man looks at me wrong i break up with him.  But with Carlos and Bill?  It wouldn't even register with me.  

And yet i broke up with both of them - because they wanted me to.

What if Bill circles around again?  Or Carlos?  what then?  Bill is toxic and i probably think i deserve him.  He says and does things that are poison to me.  He is not good for me and if i understood the attractiion i could better process the why.  Carlos?  Was kind to me, treated me like a queen when i was with him, I felt cared for, safe- but temporary.  He made it clear enough that i could never pretend we were a couple.  I tried.  

He's the prototype of the man i want.  With the huge exception of he will want me too. 

Bill is the devil i think i deserve.  And i don't.  

I need to listen to more podcasts, and read more books, and keep going to therapy so i can train myself out of the anxious attachment.  I'm told it can happen.

I just checked Carlos's facebook, which i've not done in probably a year.  He's either gone or has me blocked.  Of course Bill still is my "friend" because it's just easier that way............why do i feel so hurt about something so lame?