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He is an addiction

 Yesterday I minds well have lit up a cigarette.

I know that i can't.  Not ever.  Not even a drag off someone elses, because if i do, i will be buying a pack the next day.

Every once in a while i have a craving, and it always passes. 

Thats Carlos for me.  

A little bit of contact and now i'm having dreams.  Sexy dreams, granted.  But still.  He's been brought to the surface instead of a thought in the background.

He's the one who taught me i gave too much too fast.  And that a man can treat you kindly, give you great sex and make me feel so cared for.........and not have any feelings for me.  A true ladies man.  

Thats the feeling i want.  the ones i had when i was around him.  I want to cheat at scrabble and make up ridiculous words, watch movies, snack, and have great sex.  There was so much more i wanted to do with him. And it wasn't all about "being a couple" in public. 

So no.  I can't settle for Mister, or someone like Bill.  And i can't hold my happiness up to society's standards or "this is what a relationship looks like".

I want what we had.

FUCK.

Whatever.  I missed that boat, and so did he.  It wasn't all him.  It was me too.  And when i'm into a man, I'm a catch.  So we both lost.

Here in real life, Mister continues to prove to me that he is the same guy he says he wasn't anymore.  One track mind, what he wants, regardless.  Yesterday he asked me "when can i see you again" and i told him honestly "i don't know".  Mind you, he told me he was going to plan dates, and take care of everything, and i'd never have to do that- but he waits until the last minute to find out when i'm available this week?

okay.

I specifically told him that i would be on fire this week and very busy.  This morning, after I already told him "i don't know" he texts me that he hopes to see me tomorrow.  The day before Thanksgiving.

What part isn't he getting?  He isn't hearing me.  Same as before.  Exact reason i broke up with him 3 years ago. I recognize lip service and i'm not interested.

I'm. Not. Interested.

I can't have what i want.  And i don't want what i could have.

So i'll have to be happy with myself.  Cut the rest out.  

My vagina needs to shut the fuck up about Carlos.  

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