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How do i know?

 Am i doing what i always do and pull back from everyone when i'm feeling raw?  OR am i being selective in who i spend energy on when i'm at a point where i need to focus energy on my own healing?

It's hard to tell.

I'm highly productive when i spend the evening alone - listening to an audiobook or watching a movie while i make a blanket, or bullet journal.  I'm relaxed, and i'm focusing on the story while i produce a gift for a friend.

When i'm avoiding people, my classic defense mechanism, i'm ususally staring at walls and feeling like shit.

So maybe it's progress.

Yesterday i had a conversation with a co-worker who is retiring and she said she could never date again, and that she didn't want to.  She said going out in the public is never as fun as she thinks it's going to  be.  People are horrible.

And.........I hate to say this, but she's not entirely wrong.  Rudeness prevails in those streets.  And if you aren't about getting into a conflict, it's better to stay safe and stay home.

I so feel that.

I'd much rather go to a friends house than out in public.  It's expensive and it's around people.  

The life she described sounds so wonderful.  Home with our pets, doing our crafts, reading books, talking with long time friends........being happy in our space.  No stress, no drama, no pressure.

Yesterday i felt a LOT of pressure BECAUSE Tuesday night i got a "goodnight" from Mister.  No flowery prose, no youtube link for a song.......just "goodnight".  And yesterday morning i got a "good morning"......thats it.  Not big poetic welcome to the day.

And that made me pause.

Ah Ha! here it is!  the withdrawal.  

Now, he could be holding back due to me telling him he's a bit much.  OR he could be playing that man game.  How do i know? and honestly..........do i care?

The past couple of nights have been so lovely.  No talking.  Just being.  I feel reenergized.  And tonight he is coming over.  Why? I don't know.  We have no plans but i KNOW i do not want to sit around talking for hours on end.  I can't.  I won't.

And no dinner.  All this staying in when he's supposed to be 'courting" me........nope.  Take me out, or cook for me at your house.  

I think i'll tell him i need a coffee delivery, and ask him to come over around 7pm.  That's 2 hours before my bedtime.  I already told him i'd be doing laundry.

Am i being a bitch?  Is this how it's supposed to be and thats why it feels so alien?  I'm not ready to just break it off with him.  I do like him.  But he does stress me the fuck out.

Here's my motto "no decision needs to be made at this moment"  This isn't life or death.  I have time.  But if he tells me ONE MORE TIME how much i mean to him i'm going to lose my shit.


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