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Maybe i'm getting it finally

 I could have been hurt and upset, defensive even angry just now when i was told that the fact that i do not live alone has taken a possible relationship off the table.

He has his feelings of the way things should be in order for him to be comfortable and happy, and that's okay.  I don't have that to offer.  I haven't ever had my living situation be the reason someone didn't want to get to know me better....i guess it come down to what i have to offer being more important than who i am.  

Maybe i should have told him living in a van down by the river would be perfectly okay with me as long as i have my family and friends in my life.  Next time i date someone, i'm going to lead with that.....

Renting with my gf has probably been the single best thing i've done for myself over the past few years.  I'm not alone,  we are there for each other while we live our own separate lives and i'm saving money while being able to purchase what i need AT THE SAME TIME.  I'm paying my bills, i can breathe..i can sleep at night.  I'm not sorry for making this decision to better take care of myself.   

How i live, is happy.  Not overdrawn, or lonely, or to impress anyone.  I know it's a healthy way to live because i don't care if "men won't like" that i don't live alone............They dont have to like it, i'm the one doing it. 

He's a nice guy that knows what he wants, and i don't have it.  I wish him well in his search for the perfect hostess.  

Me?  I'm gonna do me.  I'm not going to wonder if i pissed someone off, or offended him, or didn't respond quickly enough or correctly.  I'm not going to wonder when/if or why "he" hasn't called or texted.  

I did a thing, something other people probably do without thinking twice.  I purchased egyptian cotton sheets, a goosedown blanket and pillows, and duvet.........all in white.  White, white, white.......because i'm the only one sleeping in this bed and i don't have to worry about stinky feet or someones dirty ass marking up my sanctuary.....I will probably bring this set to the old folks home with me......and every penny i spent is worth it because it makes me ridiculously happy and i feel decandent and rich with pleasure.

I'm easy to please.  Always have been.  I used to wait for a man to come along that would make me happy.  Why wait?  I can do it myself.  If a man shows up that wants to get to know me, inside out and value the things in life that can't be bought..........i'll be ready.

Because like i told him, I want it all.  And i deserve it.  I can wait till that happens, and if it never does...i'm still happy.


It does occur to me that i have always and still do think a lot about men and relationships and what that means to me.  I always felt that without a partner, i was alone.  I was neglected by my mother, who i haven't spoken to in decades and have no idea if she is even still alive.  To be without your mothers love is .....crippling, when it comes to developing relationships with others.  I've bent over backwards and made serioulsly bad financial decisions for the wrong men, the kind of men that would allow me to, all to prove i am worthy of thier love.  

Believe it or not, other people are important in my life - more important, but to write about them (my children in case it's not clear) would be to infringe on their privacy- to share their information and life is not my right.  However, make no mistake who means the most to me, always has and always will.  My family.  

And that's all i'm going to say about that.  


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