My daughter is a smart woman and many times I believe i have learned more from her than I was ever able to teach her. Both my children, actually, blow me out of the water. If i have done nothing of value in this life except give birth to them, and to know them, i am successful.
Now they are adults, living adult lives, making adult choices - and they are better at it than i ever was. Maybe when you grow up watching someone make stupid mistake after stupid mistake you learn not to follow in their footsteps. You learn how to avoid the pitfalls.
She called me this weekend and told me (in not these exact words) that I needed to not go off the deep end and dishonor the relationship i've had for the past 13 years. That yes, it ended badly, but that there were a lot of great memories to cherish. That it hadn't been a waste of time. That I had learned a lot about myself that i needed to learn.
He didn't need to hurt me by letting me know he had been with someone else so soon after I had moved out. He didn't need to leave the evidence of another female out where i would see it in the house I had so recently called home. He had been given ample time to keep his life private before i showed up. He didn't need to purposely hurt me, and yet he did. It wasn't until the moment i found out that I truly accepted we were over. He is who he is and who he has been for as long as i've known him. He's not going to grow, for himself, for me, or for anyone else. It's easier to call himself derogatory names than it is to actually achieve something he would have to put effort into. Make sacrifices for. Cherish. I believed in him and he thought I was a fool for doing so, and treated me as such.
So yes, I know we are completely done.
But the 13 years weren't a waste of time. I'm not a failure at relationships. I just need to learn the lessons apparently. I only hope that I can learn these lessons without completely removing myself from the world, which is, quite honestly, all i want to do right now. I'd love to not have to feel any of this. Or not have to remember. That sounds more dramatic than it needs to. When i say "remove myself" i mean with a stack of books in a cozy nook that has access to snacks. By myself. For a long long long time.
I returned to social media, FACEBOOK, a week after leaving with the intention of staying away for at least a month, or more. My fury, my hurt, my shame at being so gullible for so long fueled me to make choices based on emotions i had no control over. I am not a victim. I participated in my own blindness and allowed myself to see only what i could handle. I'm more pissed off at myself than him or anyone else. Disgusted and disappointed. Therein lies my lesson though, and i have learned it well.
This morning I took that final step and removed him completely from my life. The only reason we would ever need to speak now is regarding our cats. My solace needs to be taken in the people who love me, and protect me from harm - not in allowing him to have a view into my personal life when he no longer deserves it. And lets be honest, he never wanted it in the first place.
Maybe someday i won't feel so hurt and i'll be able to think of him and not cringe in pain. But not today.
Now they are adults, living adult lives, making adult choices - and they are better at it than i ever was. Maybe when you grow up watching someone make stupid mistake after stupid mistake you learn not to follow in their footsteps. You learn how to avoid the pitfalls.
She called me this weekend and told me (in not these exact words) that I needed to not go off the deep end and dishonor the relationship i've had for the past 13 years. That yes, it ended badly, but that there were a lot of great memories to cherish. That it hadn't been a waste of time. That I had learned a lot about myself that i needed to learn.
He didn't need to hurt me by letting me know he had been with someone else so soon after I had moved out. He didn't need to leave the evidence of another female out where i would see it in the house I had so recently called home. He had been given ample time to keep his life private before i showed up. He didn't need to purposely hurt me, and yet he did. It wasn't until the moment i found out that I truly accepted we were over. He is who he is and who he has been for as long as i've known him. He's not going to grow, for himself, for me, or for anyone else. It's easier to call himself derogatory names than it is to actually achieve something he would have to put effort into. Make sacrifices for. Cherish. I believed in him and he thought I was a fool for doing so, and treated me as such.
So yes, I know we are completely done.
But the 13 years weren't a waste of time. I'm not a failure at relationships. I just need to learn the lessons apparently. I only hope that I can learn these lessons without completely removing myself from the world, which is, quite honestly, all i want to do right now. I'd love to not have to feel any of this. Or not have to remember. That sounds more dramatic than it needs to. When i say "remove myself" i mean with a stack of books in a cozy nook that has access to snacks. By myself. For a long long long time.
I returned to social media, FACEBOOK, a week after leaving with the intention of staying away for at least a month, or more. My fury, my hurt, my shame at being so gullible for so long fueled me to make choices based on emotions i had no control over. I am not a victim. I participated in my own blindness and allowed myself to see only what i could handle. I'm more pissed off at myself than him or anyone else. Disgusted and disappointed. Therein lies my lesson though, and i have learned it well.
This morning I took that final step and removed him completely from my life. The only reason we would ever need to speak now is regarding our cats. My solace needs to be taken in the people who love me, and protect me from harm - not in allowing him to have a view into my personal life when he no longer deserves it. And lets be honest, he never wanted it in the first place.
Maybe someday i won't feel so hurt and i'll be able to think of him and not cringe in pain. But not today.
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