i'm flattered, but.......

My friends are AMAzing, and I say this with passion.  They aren't "eh" or "meh".  They are the BEST.  I like to think it's because i'm picky about who i consider a friend.  But even most of my acquaintances are pretty damn cool.  Maybe it's because i'm an introvert and choose to spend a lot of my time alone, so when i DO need to be around people- it's only the best. Or if i reach out for a conversation, even online,  it's only because I value their input and trust their judgement.  I may not actually take the advice but I do absolutely consider it. 

What's my point?  Everyone thinks their friends are the best.  Don't they?

I am extremely flattered when someone says "I have someone I'd like you to meet" - or "I know someone that would love to meet you"........I understand that they are trying to make me happy, or someone else happy...whatever the case.  I get it.  I know that they mean well because they are my friends.   Honest, i do understand and i know the person in question may not be single by the time i decide i'd like to meet him.  But i'm okay with that.

Put quite simply - I just lost a 13 year relationship with someone I still care deeply for.  I don't see myself dating, or "meeting" anyone for a long time.  I don't have any interest, and it wouldn't be fair to pretend i do.  And no, I'm not holding out hope that I'll get him back.  My focus is being re-directed to myself, and what i want now.  I don't know what that is exactly, so no, i'm not willing to meet or get involved with any new men Thank you.

When my marriage ended I was younger, and i wanted to live everything I had "missed" so that is what i set out to do in a big way.  I went out a lot.  I met a lot of nice men, some of them i'm still friends with today.  I  fell hard for one almost immediately and that ended the party and began a new life which lasted 13 years.  We wanted the same things, or more, we DIDN'T want the same things - like NO marriage, and NO more children.  Sounds crazy, but at that age meeting a man who was okay with those two "musts" was a small miracle.  And he was fun.  FUN in capital letters fun.  I so needed that.  We turned into more, i think, to both our surprise.  It lasted for as long as it did and now it's over.

Now that this relationship has changed, I realize that I have never spent time with just myself in the way that i need to.  I can't consider someone else's needs or feelings right now.  I don't want to.  I've learned to live without, and now i'd like to learn how to satisfy my own needs whatever they may be. If i start meeting people, i know i'm going to get interested in someone because THAT is what i do. I am relationship woman.  I need to be interested in ME right now and develop a relationship with mySELF,  no distractions.  No more excuses to put me off.

This does sound very self centered.  It should.  It is. 

But let me tell you- whoever you are taking this journey via my blog - When i do decide it's time to date, the guy who gets me will be one lucky son of a bitch.  Because i have a lot of love in me, and a lot of loyalty and nurturing- but right now i'm directing it at myself so i can be a whole, sane woman who wants to share her life with a whole, sane man.  

And no sane man is going to want to hook up with me right now.  That's all i'm saying.