The alarm goes off and I quick sit up and turn it off hoping that it hasn't taken him out of a deep sleep. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and begin to stretch so i'm not tempted to move over instead, and curl up next to him. I'm starting to come awake, fully - good. Stand up, look over at him - feel grateful that he comes to bed so quietly at night that I barely wake up - so nice to be considered, and taken care of in that way. Our shifts are different, our sleep schedules have potential to be a problem without the proper regard for each other. It's there, that regard. And it's nice.
On my way to work in the morning I see two small dogs with wheeled carriages as their back legs being walked up the street either by a woman or a man. I'm assuming they are a couple, the people. That or there is an abundance of dogs without the use of their back legs........... They a running with their little tongues out and ears flying backwards, kinda how i feel. Wheels? What wheels? I'm just happy to be alive.
Then there's the old guy with the 70's porn mustache that drives his buick century with his arm hanging out the window and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. I don't know how people do that, i never could. I always ended up with smoke in my eyes or burn holes in my clothes - not something i have to worry about anymore. Anyway, this man either thinks i'm a lot older, or he's a lot younger or it doesn't matter either way because we have the same morning routine apparently. All this week i've had him as my road buddy and he knows it too. I'm gonna have to leave a bit earlier in the morning.
THE HIGHWAY da! da! dahhhhhh! So crazy good when the lane is wide open and no one is in front of me OR behind me. I'm one of those that actually gets out of the way when there is traffic wanting to go faster than I........I wish everyone did that, there would be no traffic jams. It's not hard. So, when i can just fly up the highway it's a pretty nice feeling - especially when i'm going um, slightly more than the speed limit (?!) and fly by state cop on the side of the road only to realize (after my heart starts slamming) that it's a decoy or he isn't speed trapping because THAT would have been an expensive ticket to pay..........That was my get out of jail free card today so i must keep in mind that i've already used it up.
Unpacking is still my second least favorite thing, the first being packing. This experience is new in that I moved into a fully functioning home and have to somehow incorporate my "things" with his "things". That's a delicate road to trod. It's his house. Has been for a long time - and now i'm trying to make it mine too. With his invitation of course. It has to be stressful to have someone with a shit ton of "stuff" move into your home and begin exploding all over the place - disrupting the space you've been living in for years. Just as stressful doing the exploding and waiting for the "what the holy hell do you think you are doing?" to start.........which it hasn't. He appears to roll with it. So I continue to empty out the attic where i had the movers put all my things, one box at a time. Ha! multiple boxes all over the place at a time is more like it. I sometimes think he is a saint. But he's with me, so that isn't a possibility.
I enjoy sinners. Handsome, loving, attention giving and receiving, communicative, demonstrative sinners........well, sinnER. Annnnnnnd now i'm gonna stop gushing but i will say it's nice to be able to do so.
My only unhappiness at this point is my daughters anger and my sons apathy over my choice. MY choice. I had hoped there would be happiness for my happiness. I had hoped there would be trust in my choice. I understand concern, what i do not understand is being cut off because i'm living my own life without permission from anyone. I'm not going to start. I've lived 49 years and had several long term relationships, more than a little experience in the love department. I've gone on many many dates over the past year and met all kinds of men ON PURPOSE not dating anyone I was immediately drawn to. I avoided my type, determined to break my pattern of falling in love with jerks who find drugs and other women more important than me. Jerks who underestimated my kindness as weakness, my silence as ignorance, my expressed concerns as bitchiness.
Those men come in all shapes, all sizes and from all walks of life. They can be a journalist who cheats on his wife by pretending they aren't together, or a retired naval officer who is so fucked up in his head that he can't let go of a 6 month relationship that happened over a year ago. OR he can be a perfectly normal looking man who is an IT professional telling me he is a Satanist but doesn't know who Anton LaVey is.....Or maybe he's just a guy who wants to get fucked and thought that my "wanting a relationship" was a cover for a one night stand? He could be the guy that is dating multiple women, like i was dating multiple men, and decides he likes one better than the others including me.....that happens. Its supposed to go like that. Then there is the guy that is super nice but is a hot mess in his life so much that his problems are all that is discussed and the idea of him trying to kiss you makes you laugh in his mouth.......twice. Even the much younger man - so young to be so narrow minded and unbending- an old man in a young mans body. There are all kinds of men that I kept an open mind about, "tried" to feel excited about........I went out a lot. I went out with scary stalker man who thought he owned me after buying me a beer.
It's scary out there. I am not ashamed to admit that I don't now, nor have I ever wanted to live my life alone. I've BEEN alone in relationships for a long time because i thought I could make them love me. Therapy has been incredibly enlightening and freeing. Therapy has allowed me to love myself. First. Because if i can't trust myself, how can anyone else? If i can't have faith in myself, how can i expect anyone else to? I can be in a relationship and not lose myself........now.
It feels wonderful to stand on my own two feet and not feel like i need approval or help. It also feels wonderful to know that I can give approval or help and receive it AND STILL be my own person.
Another one of those random rambling blogs that started out as something and turned into something else.........kinda like life.
On my way to work in the morning I see two small dogs with wheeled carriages as their back legs being walked up the street either by a woman or a man. I'm assuming they are a couple, the people. That or there is an abundance of dogs without the use of their back legs........... They a running with their little tongues out and ears flying backwards, kinda how i feel. Wheels? What wheels? I'm just happy to be alive.
Then there's the old guy with the 70's porn mustache that drives his buick century with his arm hanging out the window and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. I don't know how people do that, i never could. I always ended up with smoke in my eyes or burn holes in my clothes - not something i have to worry about anymore. Anyway, this man either thinks i'm a lot older, or he's a lot younger or it doesn't matter either way because we have the same morning routine apparently. All this week i've had him as my road buddy and he knows it too. I'm gonna have to leave a bit earlier in the morning.
THE HIGHWAY da! da! dahhhhhh! So crazy good when the lane is wide open and no one is in front of me OR behind me. I'm one of those that actually gets out of the way when there is traffic wanting to go faster than I........I wish everyone did that, there would be no traffic jams. It's not hard. So, when i can just fly up the highway it's a pretty nice feeling - especially when i'm going um, slightly more than the speed limit (?!) and fly by state cop on the side of the road only to realize (after my heart starts slamming) that it's a decoy or he isn't speed trapping because THAT would have been an expensive ticket to pay..........That was my get out of jail free card today so i must keep in mind that i've already used it up.
Unpacking is still my second least favorite thing, the first being packing. This experience is new in that I moved into a fully functioning home and have to somehow incorporate my "things" with his "things". That's a delicate road to trod. It's his house. Has been for a long time - and now i'm trying to make it mine too. With his invitation of course. It has to be stressful to have someone with a shit ton of "stuff" move into your home and begin exploding all over the place - disrupting the space you've been living in for years. Just as stressful doing the exploding and waiting for the "what the holy hell do you think you are doing?" to start.........which it hasn't. He appears to roll with it. So I continue to empty out the attic where i had the movers put all my things, one box at a time. Ha! multiple boxes all over the place at a time is more like it. I sometimes think he is a saint. But he's with me, so that isn't a possibility.
I enjoy sinners. Handsome, loving, attention giving and receiving, communicative, demonstrative sinners........well, sinnER. Annnnnnnd now i'm gonna stop gushing but i will say it's nice to be able to do so.
My only unhappiness at this point is my daughters anger and my sons apathy over my choice. MY choice. I had hoped there would be happiness for my happiness. I had hoped there would be trust in my choice. I understand concern, what i do not understand is being cut off because i'm living my own life without permission from anyone. I'm not going to start. I've lived 49 years and had several long term relationships, more than a little experience in the love department. I've gone on many many dates over the past year and met all kinds of men ON PURPOSE not dating anyone I was immediately drawn to. I avoided my type, determined to break my pattern of falling in love with jerks who find drugs and other women more important than me. Jerks who underestimated my kindness as weakness, my silence as ignorance, my expressed concerns as bitchiness.
Those men come in all shapes, all sizes and from all walks of life. They can be a journalist who cheats on his wife by pretending they aren't together, or a retired naval officer who is so fucked up in his head that he can't let go of a 6 month relationship that happened over a year ago. OR he can be a perfectly normal looking man who is an IT professional telling me he is a Satanist but doesn't know who Anton LaVey is.....Or maybe he's just a guy who wants to get fucked and thought that my "wanting a relationship" was a cover for a one night stand? He could be the guy that is dating multiple women, like i was dating multiple men, and decides he likes one better than the others including me.....that happens. Its supposed to go like that. Then there is the guy that is super nice but is a hot mess in his life so much that his problems are all that is discussed and the idea of him trying to kiss you makes you laugh in his mouth.......twice. Even the much younger man - so young to be so narrow minded and unbending- an old man in a young mans body. There are all kinds of men that I kept an open mind about, "tried" to feel excited about........I went out a lot. I went out with scary stalker man who thought he owned me after buying me a beer.
It's scary out there. I am not ashamed to admit that I don't now, nor have I ever wanted to live my life alone. I've BEEN alone in relationships for a long time because i thought I could make them love me. Therapy has been incredibly enlightening and freeing. Therapy has allowed me to love myself. First. Because if i can't trust myself, how can anyone else? If i can't have faith in myself, how can i expect anyone else to? I can be in a relationship and not lose myself........now.
It feels wonderful to stand on my own two feet and not feel like i need approval or help. It also feels wonderful to know that I can give approval or help and receive it AND STILL be my own person.
Another one of those random rambling blogs that started out as something and turned into something else.........kinda like life.
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