Skip to main content

Make a choice

I'm moving in with Mike in less than a week.  Changing my address and my life, again.

Fast.  yes. Why?  Because i'm pregnant.

No, because I WANT to, because there is no reason NOT to (and i have dug deep to find just one reason).

Am i giving up a dream of owning my own home?  No.  I am moving in with the man i want to be with into his home, yes.  Is it possible that it won't work?  yes.  Anything is possible - I know that first hand.   I know how to move like a champ now. Does that scare me?  Hell no.

What scared me was wondering if I would ever want to share my life with someone again.  What scared me was wondering if a part of me had died out of disappointment and disillusionment .  What scared me was thinking i would never trust again, never feel that feeling of longing to be with that one man, and the happiness that fills me when I am.  What scared me was the idea of living alone with a bunch of animals actually seemed to be the smart thing to do in the name of self preservation.

What scared me was feeling like i would always be too scared.  Too hard.  Too dead inside.  THAT scared me.

Do i need a man?  No.  Obviously I don't.  Do i need one?  No.  They are more work than easy.  Do I want one?  No.  I want the right one.

And i found him.

So.  Wish me happiness and celebrate with me my ability to make a choice.  I know this is fast, I know it may seem reckless, but for fucks sake all my being careful in the past never made me any less vulnerable to pain, hurt and disappointment.   I've never been more sure.  Of myself, of him, of this choice that we have made together.

That's all that should matter.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »