Last night i had one of my dreams - where i know it's a dream, and i'm participating in it.
He was in it, and I wasn't mad, or sad, or even disturbed - just completely adamant that he not continue to pop up in my life anymore. I got to say what i wanted, what was true to me if not him and finally to be set free from any kind of caring. Hopefully he got the message. I have no desire to be included in the list of ex girlfriends and safety net checks that get called on rotation. I do not want pictures of what is going on in his life any more than i want to share what is going on in my life with him. It's none of his business. My happiness gets shared with my loved ones - and this blog. A little. He is my past and i am looking toward my future.
I did domestic things this weekend. Started to find my place in MM's home, soon to be my home as well. From the moment i walked in the door I loved the feel of the house, reminded me of the home a co-worker put up for sale that i had wished i could buy. He's given me free reign - seriously, how did I get so lucky? The only drawback is the commute, which i found out is about the same as what I do now only all highway.
So..........It's time for another big change. My resume is on the list of immediate to do's. I love where i work, i love the PEOPLE i work with (most of em) and what i do isn't complicated and only stressful at times. Thats not the norm. I have a coosh office, and i don't have to wear shoes that hurt. I have a ton of time off, and excellent insurance. Why leave now when the retirement plan is probably the best i'll ever have? Because i want to grow. I want a challenge. I want more money. I deserve more money - and the union contract is coming up again and I know that we will lose more and gain nothing. And frankly, fuck the union. It's never going away so..........it's time for me to have a job title that actually fits what i do. "Secretary".......yeah, okay. Don't i wish.
While i'm excited and sure about the big changes coming up within the month, i'm also feeling sad. I'm going to miss where I live now. When i left home the first time it wasn't off to college like most of my friends - It was me in October, barefoot with wet hair in a t-shirt and sweatpants banging on the apartment door to be let back in while my much younger sister stood crying at the window as my "mother" screamed at her to get away from it. My future husband came and picked me up off my front steps and brought me to his family's home where they proceeded to try and help get my mother to take me back. Which she would not. She had torn apart my room and anything i cared about- i'm not sure what she tells herself about what she did that day, but i was 16 and kicked out. I wrote letters, i called, and she told me she "wasn't ready" for me to be in her life.
And then she told everyone else i ran away.
I'm sure social services has records somewhere of what happened because at the time, it wasn't common for teens to be kicked out of the house, like it is now. My brand new social worker took me back to the apartment to get my basic stuff while my mother stayed upstairs and did not allow my sister to come say goodbye to me. The only way the social worker was allowed to get me in was when she threatened to have the police come and assist. Once i had what was left of my stuff (she had either broken or taken most of it) no one knew what to do with me because i wasn't pregnant. Had i been, the state would have set me up in an apartment and a monthly check. Because i had the audacity to NOT be pregnant, i was on my own. So i stayed with my ex's family until we got married. From that point on my life was spent bopping around at the whim of everyone else, never my choice. I went where i was told. I lived the way i had to in order to keep a roof over my head. Self preservation won over any goals i had in my life. Shit just happened to me instead of me making shit happen.
The only thing i accomplished that i am proud of is my children. I look at them now all grown up and independent, each with spouses they love in their own homes with their own jobs and lives - and I know they are the story of my success.
For the first time in my life i feel like i'm making conscious choices to move in the direction I choose. Leaving where i live now is feeling harder than i expected because it has felt like home, the kind you have when you grow up with a family. A "normal" family. Part of me is afraid to leave - kinda the way i imagine an 18 year old senior feels when going off to college. This family took me in and allowed me time and space to lick my wounds, cry spontaneously - laugh loudly - swear constantly, and be a part of their family in every way.
Which is why i now feel that the choices I make are not made out of self preservation, but because my heart wants this. I want to share the rest of my life with MM. Or for as long as he treats me with love and respect. Because now i know what that is and how that feels. I have no doubts. I'm very excited to begin the rest of our days come what may. I will never be able to say i didn't live my life when i'm old and frail and in the nursing home. I'll be the one with the little wicked grin on my face.
He was in it, and I wasn't mad, or sad, or even disturbed - just completely adamant that he not continue to pop up in my life anymore. I got to say what i wanted, what was true to me if not him and finally to be set free from any kind of caring. Hopefully he got the message. I have no desire to be included in the list of ex girlfriends and safety net checks that get called on rotation. I do not want pictures of what is going on in his life any more than i want to share what is going on in my life with him. It's none of his business. My happiness gets shared with my loved ones - and this blog. A little. He is my past and i am looking toward my future.
I did domestic things this weekend. Started to find my place in MM's home, soon to be my home as well. From the moment i walked in the door I loved the feel of the house, reminded me of the home a co-worker put up for sale that i had wished i could buy. He's given me free reign - seriously, how did I get so lucky? The only drawback is the commute, which i found out is about the same as what I do now only all highway.
So..........It's time for another big change. My resume is on the list of immediate to do's. I love where i work, i love the PEOPLE i work with (most of em) and what i do isn't complicated and only stressful at times. Thats not the norm. I have a coosh office, and i don't have to wear shoes that hurt. I have a ton of time off, and excellent insurance. Why leave now when the retirement plan is probably the best i'll ever have? Because i want to grow. I want a challenge. I want more money. I deserve more money - and the union contract is coming up again and I know that we will lose more and gain nothing. And frankly, fuck the union. It's never going away so..........it's time for me to have a job title that actually fits what i do. "Secretary".......yeah, okay. Don't i wish.
While i'm excited and sure about the big changes coming up within the month, i'm also feeling sad. I'm going to miss where I live now. When i left home the first time it wasn't off to college like most of my friends - It was me in October, barefoot with wet hair in a t-shirt and sweatpants banging on the apartment door to be let back in while my much younger sister stood crying at the window as my "mother" screamed at her to get away from it. My future husband came and picked me up off my front steps and brought me to his family's home where they proceeded to try and help get my mother to take me back. Which she would not. She had torn apart my room and anything i cared about- i'm not sure what she tells herself about what she did that day, but i was 16 and kicked out. I wrote letters, i called, and she told me she "wasn't ready" for me to be in her life.
And then she told everyone else i ran away.
I'm sure social services has records somewhere of what happened because at the time, it wasn't common for teens to be kicked out of the house, like it is now. My brand new social worker took me back to the apartment to get my basic stuff while my mother stayed upstairs and did not allow my sister to come say goodbye to me. The only way the social worker was allowed to get me in was when she threatened to have the police come and assist. Once i had what was left of my stuff (she had either broken or taken most of it) no one knew what to do with me because i wasn't pregnant. Had i been, the state would have set me up in an apartment and a monthly check. Because i had the audacity to NOT be pregnant, i was on my own. So i stayed with my ex's family until we got married. From that point on my life was spent bopping around at the whim of everyone else, never my choice. I went where i was told. I lived the way i had to in order to keep a roof over my head. Self preservation won over any goals i had in my life. Shit just happened to me instead of me making shit happen.
The only thing i accomplished that i am proud of is my children. I look at them now all grown up and independent, each with spouses they love in their own homes with their own jobs and lives - and I know they are the story of my success.
For the first time in my life i feel like i'm making conscious choices to move in the direction I choose. Leaving where i live now is feeling harder than i expected because it has felt like home, the kind you have when you grow up with a family. A "normal" family. Part of me is afraid to leave - kinda the way i imagine an 18 year old senior feels when going off to college. This family took me in and allowed me time and space to lick my wounds, cry spontaneously - laugh loudly - swear constantly, and be a part of their family in every way.
Which is why i now feel that the choices I make are not made out of self preservation, but because my heart wants this. I want to share the rest of my life with MM. Or for as long as he treats me with love and respect. Because now i know what that is and how that feels. I have no doubts. I'm very excited to begin the rest of our days come what may. I will never be able to say i didn't live my life when i'm old and frail and in the nursing home. I'll be the one with the little wicked grin on my face.
Comments
Post a Comment