This smiling business begins to hurt after a while......seems that genuine and joy filled smiles may use more face muscles than I thought. Bring on the wrinkles. Completely worth it.
What a strange place to be. Completely un-tethered to anything and yet more solid and based then i have ever been in my life.
Do i experience sadness on a daily basis anymore? No. There are moments and they pass. They are infrequent. There really isn't room for those thoughts anymore, unless i purposely recall them as I am at this moment.
Why do that? Because I want to understand the part i played in unhappy relationships. Because i don't want to repeat it for a third round. I don't want to fall into the same trap of losing my head as much as i'm willing to give my heart. To the right man. Since my picker is broken, i'm not sure i trust my own judgement anymore so i need to check myself occasionally.
Looking at where i am right now, and the fact that i've spent some solid time "alone" as in, not in a romantic relationship.......perspective has changed. It would seem that what i "need" from a man would be a hell of a lot less considering I am doing fine without one, right? But no. Thinking about this now, the stakes are higher. This sounds morbid, and makes me feel aged, not old but- If i'm giving the last phase of my life to one man he better be all that and more.
This, i have come to see - is the fun part. Yes, i have to work, pay bills, prioritize. I'm not rich, probably never will be and i'm okay with it. So maybe i only go to two countries before i can't anymore instead of all of them. Or even just the one, Ireland. That has to happen SOMEDAY. I can go alone, or not. But i'm going. If that's my biggest dream requiring money- i can make that happen. The point is, i have very few responsibilities anymore. So freedom comes naturally now. Life has become an open road and i have a full tank of gas.
My version of "freedom" doesn't mean not being in a committed relationship with a significant other. I dislike those terms "tied down", "settled down"......yuck. If anything I want to ramp up, get a little crazier, and have a hell of a lot of fun. I need a partner, not another child to care for or controlling boss to answer to. I need a best friend that I can also crawl naked into bed with. That sounds like heaven to me and it is that simple. Someone who is my favorite person, and vice versa.
That's not to say that everyone else falls off the planet and we spend 24/7 together. I still bitterly laugh when i think about the ex saying I wanted to be with him 24/7. I have NEVER wanted to be with ANYONE 24/7. Not even mySELF. Now i'm laughing because that statement is so true i taste it in my mouth.
There's a yearning for someone that can't take place when you see them constantly. I don't want to lose that feeling or have him lose it for me. It is essential. It's not about holding back or not sharing a life, it's about remaining separate people and sharing that with each other. That idea of "becoming one" has fucked everyone up. Nice job catholic church. I also don't want to be forgotten or discounted because i'm not there in person - I never forget, i always respect. I want that in return.
So as i move into new territory, with a straight and open mind, I find that maybe i'm not so confused or scared after all. I just needed to be patient and not lose heart. I had to weed through a lot of jerks, and people who are better off as friends before i could arrive at this point with someone where it's so new and clean and unwritten - and fragile. I need to go gently before I begin to have this feeling again.
The feeling that i want to jump in with both feet. I acknowledge that sweet innocent side of my heart for a moment, that little girl who just wants to swim in the love that never came without strings attached. The kind of love she deserved to have from her parents, but can not come from a partner. Understanding that has changed me. Has set me free. I can be 100% me and the right man will not only love me, he will accept my love.
I'm looking forward to watching and feeling that play out.
What a strange place to be. Completely un-tethered to anything and yet more solid and based then i have ever been in my life.
Do i experience sadness on a daily basis anymore? No. There are moments and they pass. They are infrequent. There really isn't room for those thoughts anymore, unless i purposely recall them as I am at this moment.
Why do that? Because I want to understand the part i played in unhappy relationships. Because i don't want to repeat it for a third round. I don't want to fall into the same trap of losing my head as much as i'm willing to give my heart. To the right man. Since my picker is broken, i'm not sure i trust my own judgement anymore so i need to check myself occasionally.
Looking at where i am right now, and the fact that i've spent some solid time "alone" as in, not in a romantic relationship.......perspective has changed. It would seem that what i "need" from a man would be a hell of a lot less considering I am doing fine without one, right? But no. Thinking about this now, the stakes are higher. This sounds morbid, and makes me feel aged, not old but- If i'm giving the last phase of my life to one man he better be all that and more.
This, i have come to see - is the fun part. Yes, i have to work, pay bills, prioritize. I'm not rich, probably never will be and i'm okay with it. So maybe i only go to two countries before i can't anymore instead of all of them. Or even just the one, Ireland. That has to happen SOMEDAY. I can go alone, or not. But i'm going. If that's my biggest dream requiring money- i can make that happen. The point is, i have very few responsibilities anymore. So freedom comes naturally now. Life has become an open road and i have a full tank of gas.
My version of "freedom" doesn't mean not being in a committed relationship with a significant other. I dislike those terms "tied down", "settled down"......yuck. If anything I want to ramp up, get a little crazier, and have a hell of a lot of fun. I need a partner, not another child to care for or controlling boss to answer to. I need a best friend that I can also crawl naked into bed with. That sounds like heaven to me and it is that simple. Someone who is my favorite person, and vice versa.
That's not to say that everyone else falls off the planet and we spend 24/7 together. I still bitterly laugh when i think about the ex saying I wanted to be with him 24/7. I have NEVER wanted to be with ANYONE 24/7. Not even mySELF. Now i'm laughing because that statement is so true i taste it in my mouth.
There's a yearning for someone that can't take place when you see them constantly. I don't want to lose that feeling or have him lose it for me. It is essential. It's not about holding back or not sharing a life, it's about remaining separate people and sharing that with each other. That idea of "becoming one" has fucked everyone up. Nice job catholic church. I also don't want to be forgotten or discounted because i'm not there in person - I never forget, i always respect. I want that in return.
So as i move into new territory, with a straight and open mind, I find that maybe i'm not so confused or scared after all. I just needed to be patient and not lose heart. I had to weed through a lot of jerks, and people who are better off as friends before i could arrive at this point with someone where it's so new and clean and unwritten - and fragile. I need to go gently before I begin to have this feeling again.
The feeling that i want to jump in with both feet. I acknowledge that sweet innocent side of my heart for a moment, that little girl who just wants to swim in the love that never came without strings attached. The kind of love she deserved to have from her parents, but can not come from a partner. Understanding that has changed me. Has set me free. I can be 100% me and the right man will not only love me, he will accept my love.
I'm looking forward to watching and feeling that play out.
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