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Just another lesson



This afternoon I was mortified and then furious.  I got called a loser, a shitty human, full of shit, a waste of time, a liar, and oh, a user.

Because i did not want to go out on a second date with him.

I don't know WHAT i was thinking, he's such a wonderful guy with such a full vocabulary.  

I can't be too careful.  But i have to be not TOO careful.  It's all so confusing, frustrating and yeah a little bit dangerous.  This fucking guy was all hands and wouldn't stop.  Why didn't I leave?  Because i fell into that trap of not wanting to make a scene and feeling like maybe it was my imagination.....you know, the shit women think that stops them from punching an asshole in the face.  or breaking his fingers. 

Here i am, 49 and still reacting the way i was trained to.  Well, this guy was a wake up call.  This time i made it away in one piece non the worse for ware, that way of thinking and not responding will get me raped.  Real men don't act that way no matter how turned on they are.  Assholes intimidate women and try to coerce them into doing something they don't want to.  And when that doesn't work they just take.  

Well.  God help the next guy that tries to shame me into submission.  He's gonna get his ears boxed and if thats not enough he's gonna have a difficult time walking again.  I may be slow to learn in some cases, but once i HAVE learned........i don't forget.

So in the same way i can't hold new guys accountable for what has happened to me with ex's, i can't hold new dates responsible for jerkoffs like this one.  He said i "lied" ......because i said i wanted a relationship.......?  with the right guy ASSHOLE, not ANY guy for FUCKS SAKE..

I guess maybe i'm not so calmed down as i thought i was.  

I am responsible for my own behavior and feelings.  I am responsible for my own behavior and feelings.....i am responsible....

I am going on a date with a man that gives me goosebumps just talking to him.  He is, my "type" as much as i said i was going to run away from my type.  The difference is that he is literally everything I have ever wanted in a man, and more.  With fireworks.

And that is all i'm gonna say because i don't want to jinx it.  or share it. i want to hold this potential beginning of something special close.  And safe.  So mind ya business. :) hahaha

I will NEVER give up.  


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