Skip to main content

Just another lesson



This afternoon I was mortified and then furious.  I got called a loser, a shitty human, full of shit, a waste of time, a liar, and oh, a user.

Because i did not want to go out on a second date with him.

I don't know WHAT i was thinking, he's such a wonderful guy with such a full vocabulary.  

I can't be too careful.  But i have to be not TOO careful.  It's all so confusing, frustrating and yeah a little bit dangerous.  This fucking guy was all hands and wouldn't stop.  Why didn't I leave?  Because i fell into that trap of not wanting to make a scene and feeling like maybe it was my imagination.....you know, the shit women think that stops them from punching an asshole in the face.  or breaking his fingers. 

Here i am, 49 and still reacting the way i was trained to.  Well, this guy was a wake up call.  This time i made it away in one piece non the worse for ware, that way of thinking and not responding will get me raped.  Real men don't act that way no matter how turned on they are.  Assholes intimidate women and try to coerce them into doing something they don't want to.  And when that doesn't work they just take.  

Well.  God help the next guy that tries to shame me into submission.  He's gonna get his ears boxed and if thats not enough he's gonna have a difficult time walking again.  I may be slow to learn in some cases, but once i HAVE learned........i don't forget.

So in the same way i can't hold new guys accountable for what has happened to me with ex's, i can't hold new dates responsible for jerkoffs like this one.  He said i "lied" ......because i said i wanted a relationship.......?  with the right guy ASSHOLE, not ANY guy for FUCKS SAKE..

I guess maybe i'm not so calmed down as i thought i was.  

I am responsible for my own behavior and feelings.  I am responsible for my own behavior and feelings.....i am responsible....

I am going on a date with a man that gives me goosebumps just talking to him.  He is, my "type" as much as i said i was going to run away from my type.  The difference is that he is literally everything I have ever wanted in a man, and more.  With fireworks.

And that is all i'm gonna say because i don't want to jinx it.  or share it. i want to hold this potential beginning of something special close.  And safe.  So mind ya business. :) hahaha

I will NEVER give up.  


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Sunday funday

 I stayed in bed until 8am.  Yes, i was scrolling my phone, but still........i was in bed.  Also, i made coffee and brought it BACK to bed.....so yes, technically, i remained in bed until 8am. I have a hard time staying up past 9pm.  And then i can't sleep past 6:30 at the latest.  When did that happen? Yesterday, i was ready for bed by 7pm at the birthday party.   I got to hold, okay, i TOOK the 6 day old premie babie and cradled his little body for a longggg time.  I layed him in my lap so i could see him, and he could strettttttttch his tiny body.  This little boy, normally, would still be baking in the womb.......but here he is, tiny and mighty, in my lap.  His tiny hands, his tiny FEET.  OMG.  New mamma was happy to be with her family and socialize, but new daddy, stayed close.  He talked about all the things CJ does already.......sleep, eat, poop.   He is a very nice young man, very in tune with his sons wh...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »