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calmness, acceptance or depression?

 I feel .........very calm.  Very neutral. I'm in a quiet space in my head and there are no alarms going off.

Work is still very much up in the air, i find myself dreaming about it.  When i was talking to Mr. Cigar he said i could get a job at any hospital in any state, and he's not wrong.  What if i don't retire in Connecticut?  What if i move somewhere that the cost of iving is not so damn expensive.

On a single income, and i make a very good wage, I struggle to make ends meet.  The only reason i can go on vacation is because my friends make it happen.  Without them it wouldn't be possible.  I shop consignment and thrift, rarely do i have anything new.  But it's new to me.  

Currently i'm sussing out my wardrobe because so much doesn't fit anymore.  My clothes are bagging and yet, i cannot, will not, go out and buy more clothes that won't fit after a season.  I'm waiting to get to my size, not a certain weight.  I know where i feel most healthy.  I'm two sizes away from my goal.  That is reachable.  I will then buy a capsule wardrobe and keep it very minimal for work.  

Which i'm seriously considering searching for in another state.

But.......i can't be away from my family.  My grandson is going to be born this summer and i'm hoping to have long weekends with my granddaughter.  I don't want to be further away than driving or a train and that limits me.

All of this is going through my mind.  

Cute guy tried to have a spicy conversation with me last night and i cut him off by not responding.  They are all the same.  No effort, but want entertainment.  I'm disappointed in him.  I thought he was a good one. I thought he liked me.

Men can be so lame. 

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