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this is how i know

 Normally, when a man expresses and opinion that i don't agree with, and actually feel quite strongly about......it will turn me off in a way that is not fixable.

I have moments where i fall in love with people.  Weird little unsuspecting moments where its like being hit in the head and a light being shined on that person in that moment.  Not IN love, just ....love.

I fell in love with Amie the weekend we got stuck on a mountain in an ice storm while we were peeing off the side of a frozen solid truck standing on frozen ground trying not to fall down and laughing our asses off.  Love.

I fell in love with Josh when he gave a puppy mouth to mouth resusitation to save it's life.  Love.

I fell in love with Mike during a friends camping trip when he took the blame and apologized for something he didn't do just to calm down a woman who was losing her shit and driving everyone crazy.  Love.

Those are a few memorable moments.  And i will love them forever wether i see them daily or never.  They are in my heart.

The moment i realized, i really love this person.

With men, it's never been that way.  Love came through time, and how they made me feel and then when that feeling was not longer felt, i still stayed.  Because i was in loooooove.  Because i believe in commitment.  

I have love in my heart for my ex husband (20 years together) because he gave me my children.  Because when we were kids he did the best he could to protect me and do right by me when my life was a mess.  It's a nostalgic love, one that is based in long ago memories and our children.

I have love in my heart for my ex boyfriend (13 years together)becaue he showed me how to have fun again, how to look people in the face and be myself.  He taught me that i can.  I can. I can.  There was a time when I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world because he looked at me like i was.  I grew into a woman with him.  I came back to myself with him.  And then i lost myself in him.

Neither relationship ended wonderfully, but then i'm guessing, relationships rarely end well or they would still be together.

HOWEVER, i'm at the point in life and enough time has passed that i can appreciate the love we had at one time, without hate.  More relief that those relationships ended because if they hadn't, i wouldn't have grown any more.  I would have still been lost in them, and not living my life for myself.

Enter many men i've dated. I am interested, maybe turned on, then they say or do one thing and i'm done.  Thats it.  over.  No longer interested.  And no problem never talking to or seeing them again.

Ten years of dating and i've met two men who have made me consider love again.  Mr. Tattoo felt like the ideal man- handsome, sexy, funny, courteous, polite, had his act together and kept his home clean.  He treated me wonderfully.  But it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was everything he represented and showed me could be possible in a short period of time.  Maybe eventually he also would have flipped my off switch........but i doubt it.  I fell for him.  Wether it makes sense of not is beside the point.

Then Mr. Cigar.  He pissed me off to no end.  Sometimes when he's talking to me, saying something i completely disagree with or do not appreciate how he is expressing himself, I wonder "How do i tolerate this man?"  And yet, i do.  In the next moment my feelings soften for him. When he looks at me and i am the center of his attention, i melt.  No matter the tensions, the disagreements, the differences, the way he makes me so angry sometimes.......i love him.  I know i do.  And this past year has proven to me that you really can't choose who you fall in love with because man, if i had a choice.

I wouldn't be seeing a man who has a "roommate", who never takes time off from work except to shoot competitively, who puts his dogs first over all else, and who has some very interesting ideas on inter racial relationships.  He's a fucking republican for christ sake, although not a trumpster.  How terrifying if he was......would that change how i feel about him?  He's not always nice to me.  Sometimes he's a real bastard.  And i love him.

Because when it matters, he is there for me.  When i need him, he is there.  We dont have a typical see each other every day relationship.  We both have lives.  

And he's the one i want to share myself with.  

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