Skip to main content

my aching arse

 sitting is the issue.  Ever since falling full force onto the router and possible breaking or cracking my tailbone sitting is uncomfortable.  Walking, standing.......stretching, all fine.  Sitting = no go.

That makes work intersting.  Since i sit at work.  

Heard from sexy Carlos this morning.  Can't help it.  The man makes me smile.  And he's always been honest with me.  If i could go back in time i would have handled that whole situation differently.  But i can't.  And this is where "we" are.  An occasional hello.  He's in a relationship, i'm not willing to be a side chick so we just touch base here and there.

Maybe next lifetime.  

He was fun.  And kind. And sexy as hell. yum.

Nothing really to write about except that yesterday was a difficult day for some reason.  I feel like Bill was in my head all day and that.......isn't a good thing.  That man is history.  Now if i can get him out of my head.  He's not even there in a GOOD way.  Just an embarrassment that i allowed it to go on- per usual.

The difference is that I'm keeping my word to myself not to engage with anyone who has treated me like less than.  Ever.  I've "turned my back" on family who mistreated me growing up, on friends who have proven themselves to be not friends, and on men who have used me.  As it should be.

Watched a video this morning of a woman lamenting over losing her platonic status of 2 years over a man who texted her the next day and then blocked her.

See.  Thats the kind of bullshit that happens now.  He was obviously not a grown ass man, but she allowed herself to have sex with a man she didn't really know.

Like i have done.  And it has never worked out.

I don't regret Valentines day.  I was heated and ready to go. Big strong Marine, masculine man.....yeah, i didn't stand a chance.  But i owned it.  I wanted him.  So i had him.  Simple.  The funny thing is when we "broke up" he threw it in my face.....and i shrugged.  So?  I'm 58, if i want to sleep with a new man every weekend i will. Without shame.  I don't want to, but if i did........No man is going to shame me.

Plus it just showed me exactly who he is.  

I move with purpose now.  I know what i want.  I don't know if i will ever run into it - but i'm surely not settling.

Carlos makes me smile.  And not feel awful.  When Bill reaches out I feel like my gut is burning and i have to poop..........and i ignore him.  Two completely different reactions.

just rambling today.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Never learn

 You know when i get to the point that i'm starting to gush about a man, that man is on his way out. No i didn't go back and reread any of my entries about Marine Man because i would then have to eat crow.  I went for the joy ride, i let the newness and the good behavior make me think THIS was the guy. Just let time do its thing, and everything comes out.  constant whining.  I NEVER expected that from a Marine.  I mean, i thought "they" removed all their emotions during basic training.  Not really, but you know......whining???  Who would have thunk?  And in the SAME instant, try to take a hard line with me about my language. No my dude.  You are not my father.  If you don't like my spicy mouth when i am heated about what i'm seeing on TV, then you may take your offended ass right out of my home.  I thought it was a cute joke, when he started giving me "the look" if i dropped a perfectly placed F bomb.  But no......he decided he...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »