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my aching arse

 sitting is the issue.  Ever since falling full force onto the router and possible breaking or cracking my tailbone sitting is uncomfortable.  Walking, standing.......stretching, all fine.  Sitting = no go.

That makes work intersting.  Since i sit at work.  

Heard from sexy Carlos this morning.  Can't help it.  The man makes me smile.  And he's always been honest with me.  If i could go back in time i would have handled that whole situation differently.  But i can't.  And this is where "we" are.  An occasional hello.  He's in a relationship, i'm not willing to be a side chick so we just touch base here and there.

Maybe next lifetime.  

He was fun.  And kind. And sexy as hell. yum.

Nothing really to write about except that yesterday was a difficult day for some reason.  I feel like Bill was in my head all day and that.......isn't a good thing.  That man is history.  Now if i can get him out of my head.  He's not even there in a GOOD way.  Just an embarrassment that i allowed it to go on- per usual.

The difference is that I'm keeping my word to myself not to engage with anyone who has treated me like less than.  Ever.  I've "turned my back" on family who mistreated me growing up, on friends who have proven themselves to be not friends, and on men who have used me.  As it should be.

Watched a video this morning of a woman lamenting over losing her platonic status of 2 years over a man who texted her the next day and then blocked her.

See.  Thats the kind of bullshit that happens now.  He was obviously not a grown ass man, but she allowed herself to have sex with a man she didn't really know.

Like i have done.  And it has never worked out.

I don't regret Valentines day.  I was heated and ready to go. Big strong Marine, masculine man.....yeah, i didn't stand a chance.  But i owned it.  I wanted him.  So i had him.  Simple.  The funny thing is when we "broke up" he threw it in my face.....and i shrugged.  So?  I'm 58, if i want to sleep with a new man every weekend i will. Without shame.  I don't want to, but if i did........No man is going to shame me.

Plus it just showed me exactly who he is.  

I move with purpose now.  I know what i want.  I don't know if i will ever run into it - but i'm surely not settling.

Carlos makes me smile.  And not feel awful.  When Bill reaches out I feel like my gut is burning and i have to poop..........and i ignore him.  Two completely different reactions.

just rambling today.

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