Skip to main content

ghosts of christmas past

 Maybe i'm going to die soon and my past is revisiting me to make amends?

First, Bill pops up again (predictable)

Then Mr. Tattoo reaches out for some flirtation before disappearing again

Those are the only two men i've remotely attached to since my breakup over 10 years ago.  Can't really call them relationships since it mostly went one way.  Me to them.  Them not choosing me.

I have dated a few men more than once, really, i have!

Theres Mr. Tickle (i can't remember how i referred to him before but we dated on and off and he has a tickle fetish).  He pops up as viewing my stories and my linked in.  He's engaged to the woman he was with for years before dating me (apparently on the side)....so what NOW?  

And today, Mr. Saybrook, the guy that needs someone to move in to his house so he can pay for it, sends me a message on instagram. He was another one, couldn't stay with one woman.  We dated a few times, i saw all the signs of being love bombed.  We had a great bike ride but he was looking for a move in RIGHT NOW situation.

Who's next?  

Oh, there's the FIRST Bill - we did date a few months.  He had a lot of dead exes.  

Then there was Mike.  The guy that had the "nice guy" thing going but was just as one way as all the others, his way.

Anddddd I think thats it..........oh, wait, Mr. Marine, from Valentines day this year.  Does he count?

I text periodically with Darryl.......13 years together, 10 years apart, a once in a while conversation.  No biggie. 

I haven't heard from my ex husband in over 20 years.....and i'd like to keep it that way.

The guy i lived with for a year ......Mike......that non relationship was easily forgotten by both of us.

So who's next? Who have i forgotten?

I'm in a pissy mood.  I’m being shown a lineup of everything that never chose me… and realizing I don’t want any of it anymore. Who wants low effort recycling?  WTF is this parade of mediocrity?

The guy that "qualifies" for me is the one who clearly and consistently chooses ME.  Every time. No more half assed men that don't add up. 

Price of admission:

1. Consistency without prompting

  • No disappearing acts
  • No popping in “hey stranger” energy
  • If I stop responding, they will notice and step up

2. Clear intention early

  • Not vague, not flirty-only, not “let’s see what happens”
  • I will know within a couple of interactions what they want—and it better not be convenience

3. No urgency tied to their needs

  • No “move in,” no emotional fast-tracking, no love bombing
  • Their timeline is not my pressure

4. REALLY available

  • No engaged men watching my stories
  • No “it’s complicated”
  • No half-in/half-out energy

5. Effort that matches mine, or better yet, LEADS it. 

  • i'm not carrying the conversation
  • i'm  not initiating contact
  • i'm not auditioning 
 He is OUT THE DOOR if he:
  • Disappears and reappears
  • Flirts but doesn’t plan
  • Needs something (housing, validation, ego boost)
  • develops a history of not choosing me
  • Makes me feel confused instead of clear

No more “maybe this time.” I'm over the confused boy/men. 

MY partner will choose me clearly and repeatedly.  I won't feel anxious waiting for our next interaction and his actions will line up without me having to interpret or decode them. I will feel calm, not activated

NONE of the above men made the cut.  NEXT!



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Never learn

 You know when i get to the point that i'm starting to gush about a man, that man is on his way out. No i didn't go back and reread any of my entries about Marine Man because i would then have to eat crow.  I went for the joy ride, i let the newness and the good behavior make me think THIS was the guy. Just let time do its thing, and everything comes out.  constant whining.  I NEVER expected that from a Marine.  I mean, i thought "they" removed all their emotions during basic training.  Not really, but you know......whining???  Who would have thunk?  And in the SAME instant, try to take a hard line with me about my language. No my dude.  You are not my father.  If you don't like my spicy mouth when i am heated about what i'm seeing on TV, then you may take your offended ass right out of my home.  I thought it was a cute joke, when he started giving me "the look" if i dropped a perfectly placed F bomb.  But no......he decided he...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »