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old patterns revisited

 i opened pandora's box yesterday.  I had an overwhelming and immediate need to reach out to him.

Fuck.

I thought "whats the worst thing that can happen?"  

By the end of the day he was telling me to meet him at his new shop and "just have a beer" .....and when i repeatedly said "no" he finally gave in with a "you're not interested".  Which was meant to have me respond. 

And i did not.

Last night when i was sleeping he sent me his "goodnight" text..the one that i used to wait for and if it didn't have kisses, i would feel like i was being punished.  Like a 16 year old.

What is this dynamic?  

I am so very wary of him.  And i can't stay away.  What the. FUCK.

Addiction.

Because when he responded to me, and told me what i needed to "hear" without prompting....I want to believe him.  But i know he hasn't changed.  I have.

I can see myself, melting with his attention.  His affection because he knows that reals me in.....and then when i least expect it, he withdraws it.  Coldly.

He consumes me.

Consumed. me.

I'm not the same, but i am still connected.  We are connected.  Toxic, exciting, fullfilling when it's good........and empty when it's not.

Be careful where you step MB.  This is where you have been before and even with eyes wide open - it's treacherous.  Be careful.

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