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Can you keep a secret?

 I might be getting smarter, but it sure doesn't make it feel any better.

I asked, and got the truth.  I dug a little, held his feet to the fire, and got the whole truth.

He is with someone.  Someone is his ex.  And she lives with him.  

So there's that.

That's all there needs to be.  All i need to know.  I don't want anything to do with any of that.

I feel .........sad? but relieved.  He's the guy that would see me to "figure out what this is" between us while she unknowingly sits at home?  

No. Lets be honest, I hate her.  But I hate her because of him.  So it's a biased hate.  I SHOULD be hating him, not her.  I should feel sorry for her. 

I do feel sorry for her. 

I want a best friend and lover in the same package.  Maybe thats a tall order, and maybe that is never going to happen for me.  But i do NOT want a man I can't let my guard down around, or trust.  I don't want to have to worry that every minute he's not with me he's trying to "figure it out" with another woman.

Not texting, talking, meeting or having any kind of sexting..........unless i'm in on it.  And even then, i don't think i'm down with it anymore.  My trust has been stretched beyond flexibility........I need to be enough.  I need to be the only one even when i'm not sitting next to him.

Not Bill.  Not Carlos.  The bad guy, and the good guy......they are the same.  Neither considering that i have feelings and that entertainment to them, causes me .......regret.  Yes, their women probably think they are lucky.  I know better.

I told Bill to either end it with her or settle in and work on it.  But please don't reach out to me any more.  This is his shitshow.  Not mine.  Obviously there is a connection there between us but it's also obviously not a good one.  It's not good for me.

He is not good for me.  And i already knew that.  But i had to find out.  Again.  Hopefully i've learned my lesson.  

I do know that i would never be able to trust him.  So ...........whats the point.  To what end.  The end.

Maybe now i can let it go. move forward and be grateful i'm not the one he ended up with.  Because i honestly feel like the two of us, her and I, are interchangeable.  He wants the one he doesn't have.  There is no end to that unless .......i end it.  

Likewise for me reaching out to Carlos once in a while.  He has no care of my feelings, he is not my friend.  He is a guy who will take entertainment where he is offered it.  And that makes him almost as bad as Bill, but he puts a kinder spin on it.

10 years, 2 men i actually developed feelings for- neither of them returning those feelings but accepting what i gave to their advantage.  It's not their fault.  It's gross, but not their fault.  

Here i am thinking i'm so healed and i still allow the fantasy to override the reality.  Consider this moment the "aha" moment where i realize that i deserve so much more then either one of them ever had to offer me.

And i'm okay.   I'm more than okay.  Tomorrow i meet yet another man.  And maybe he will be great, or a jerk.  In the end, i know i can trust myself to walk away from anyone who doesn't deserve me.  Even if i fancy myself having feelings.

And that is something to be proud of.

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