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I did it

 I blocked him on everything.  I literally hate that all it takes is a text from Bill to shake my world up.  Over what?  Some short, average-looking male who can't even get a hard on?  Because that is the reality.  And if we are talking about personalities?

He's the one that choked me out unconscious after i specifically told him that wasn't something i EVER wanted, due to enjoying the brain cells that i have left.

But he crossed boundaries, and i let him, and kept going back for more mistreatment.  

I still don't understand completely why.  Well, my head does - dopamine hits from very little effort on his part because of that whole withdrawing affection deal that i'm so used to because of how i was raised.

That was a run-on sentence for sure. 

I sent him that message, which i don't regret, and i predicted his response and was completely correct.  An emoji.  Because he is the do the least man, he's the man that thinks women want to be treated poorly and basically, i fed into that belief by taking his shit.  BUT, i am not someone who wants to be treated poorly, i'm just kind of used to it.  So he's wrong.  Again.

This man, if he had feelings for me, would not treat me as he does.  A text, a crumb, a no effort gesture - it's insulting.  It's pathetic.  It's not good enough for me.  

I looked at his facebook page and saw his face with his dog which someone obviously took and started to spiral until i realized........"i don't have to do this, i'm choosing to do this"  so i blocked him there, and in my phone and now he can't drop in to my life and cause chaos in my head.  Finit.  Done.

It's not about him.  It's me.  He's just a regular run-of-the-mill asshole and i said "oh YEAH, he's for ME" because for some reason thats what i crave.  CravED.  

Why did it take me so long to block?  Because i knew he would reach out.  Because i wanted to know when he did.  Because i wanted that feeling.  That rush that he was thinking about me.  

Here's a bigger rush.  Taking care of myself and protecting myself from mediocre men who steal my peace, steal my serenity, steal my focus......I have better things to do.

Maybe i am withdrawing from men and i have to say this......so what?  Why does withdrawing have to be a bad thing when the majority of my life has been focused on THEM and wasted?  What if i can give myself everything they never could.  Love, peace, protection, shelter from the storm.  

So it's in my head, this idea of giving up completely and when the mood strikes me, to slap myself and remind myself that THIS is the problem.  

I'm looking forward to my grandson being born, to traveling to Las Vegas, Utah, and Florida this summer and to spending time with my grandaughter in New York and getting used to public transportation......i'm in limbo at work with a change coming, just don't know what it is......and that i have no control over aside from what i've already done.  I've spoken up to the powers that be.....and the choice i have is to wait.  I won't leave here for a public sector job.  But i can transfer somewhere if i don't like their plan for me.  Not everything takes place over night......patience has never been my strength but i'm learning it now.  


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