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call me

 This thing is gonna save my hands.  I never realized how weak my hands are until i was handling the handguns of a friend of mine.  I cannot drop the hammer OR pull the trigger....not even close.  I realize i can fix that for my personal firearm, but ........i don't like knowing i have weak hands.  Not okay.  As we get older the focus is on mobility but we forget how important our hands are too!  so i ordered this, just a simple one, no batteries, no charging , it runs on cyntriphical force alone.  It took me a few trys to figure it out......much like i'm STILL trying to figure out the damn hula hoop.  But i finally got it!  The wrist ball, not the hula hoop.  Still working on that one.

I like being called during the day and having a real conversation that isn't about the weather and is about whats going on during our day, and ......why we are connected no matter how hard we try not to be.  

I told him I really wanted to know "to what end"......meaning, why did i reach out?  I don't know.  "To what end?".....what do i expect to come of this?

Do i have to have expectations at this point?  Because, if i'm being honest, I don't know.  I know i have zero desire to go to his house.  And that was how it always was, me going to his house.  The idea of that makes me feel mildly sick.  I am never sitting in that big recliner with him again.  I don't want anything to do with it.  I won't be babysitting the dogs, or doing dishes in his home. Or sleeping in his bed.

I have no desire.  Will that change?  I don't believe so.  I'm learning to never say never where this man is concerned but for the time being.......he hasn't asked me to.  He's probably seeing someone for all i know.

He wanted me to go to his new shop - he brought me there when he had just purchased the building when we got back together the last time.

We aren't getting back together.  I"m not thinking that.  I don't know what i'm thinking.  But he doesn't have control over me.  I am not getting pushed into anything.  The old me would have been in the car on my way last night.......the new me immediately thought "hell no".  

I know what happens when we are together.

He makes me have feelings for him that he has no intention of returning.  Is that what i'm about now?  Proving that he does have feelings and then.......what?  TO WHAT END is the voice in my head.

It doesn't help that i can't confide in my bestie because she would KILL me.  I still do what i want.  Jen will understand.  But there is nothing to tell.  

We are just talking.  I won't be dropping in to see him anywhere at the last minute.  He can plan and ask, or not.  Up to him.  I"m not teaching him.

Besides, i have a date after work tomorrow.  Just a drink, see what happens from there.  If he's interesting i'll write about him.  

All this to say, my life hasn't come to a crashing halt around Bill.  Shit, by this time next week we probably won't be talking anymore, per usual.

Am i crazy or stupid or .........do i just have feelings that are probably undeserved..

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