Skip to main content

call me

 This thing is gonna save my hands.  I never realized how weak my hands are until i was handling the handguns of a friend of mine.  I cannot drop the hammer OR pull the trigger....not even close.  I realize i can fix that for my personal firearm, but ........i don't like knowing i have weak hands.  Not okay.  As we get older the focus is on mobility but we forget how important our hands are too!  so i ordered this, just a simple one, no batteries, no charging , it runs on cyntriphical force alone.  It took me a few trys to figure it out......much like i'm STILL trying to figure out the damn hula hoop.  But i finally got it!  The wrist ball, not the hula hoop.  Still working on that one.

I like being called during the day and having a real conversation that isn't about the weather and is about whats going on during our day, and ......why we are connected no matter how hard we try not to be.  

I told him I really wanted to know "to what end"......meaning, why did i reach out?  I don't know.  "To what end?".....what do i expect to come of this?

Do i have to have expectations at this point?  Because, if i'm being honest, I don't know.  I know i have zero desire to go to his house.  And that was how it always was, me going to his house.  The idea of that makes me feel mildly sick.  I am never sitting in that big recliner with him again.  I don't want anything to do with it.  I won't be babysitting the dogs, or doing dishes in his home. Or sleeping in his bed.

I have no desire.  Will that change?  I don't believe so.  I'm learning to never say never where this man is concerned but for the time being.......he hasn't asked me to.  He's probably seeing someone for all i know.

He wanted me to go to his new shop - he brought me there when he had just purchased the building when we got back together the last time.

We aren't getting back together.  I"m not thinking that.  I don't know what i'm thinking.  But he doesn't have control over me.  I am not getting pushed into anything.  The old me would have been in the car on my way last night.......the new me immediately thought "hell no".  

I know what happens when we are together.

He makes me have feelings for him that he has no intention of returning.  Is that what i'm about now?  Proving that he does have feelings and then.......what?  TO WHAT END is the voice in my head.

It doesn't help that i can't confide in my bestie because she would KILL me.  I still do what i want.  Jen will understand.  But there is nothing to tell.  

We are just talking.  I won't be dropping in to see him anywhere at the last minute.  He can plan and ask, or not.  Up to him.  I"m not teaching him.

Besides, i have a date after work tomorrow.  Just a drink, see what happens from there.  If he's interesting i'll write about him.  

All this to say, my life hasn't come to a crashing halt around Bill.  Shit, by this time next week we probably won't be talking anymore, per usual.

Am i crazy or stupid or .........do i just have feelings that are probably undeserved..

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Sunday funday

 I stayed in bed until 8am.  Yes, i was scrolling my phone, but still........i was in bed.  Also, i made coffee and brought it BACK to bed.....so yes, technically, i remained in bed until 8am. I have a hard time staying up past 9pm.  And then i can't sleep past 6:30 at the latest.  When did that happen? Yesterday, i was ready for bed by 7pm at the birthday party.   I got to hold, okay, i TOOK the 6 day old premie babie and cradled his little body for a longggg time.  I layed him in my lap so i could see him, and he could strettttttttch his tiny body.  This little boy, normally, would still be baking in the womb.......but here he is, tiny and mighty, in my lap.  His tiny hands, his tiny FEET.  OMG.  New mamma was happy to be with her family and socialize, but new daddy, stayed close.  He talked about all the things CJ does already.......sleep, eat, poop.   He is a very nice young man, very in tune with his sons wh...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »