We've been friends for over 20 years.....met at work when we both used to smoke. She's been there through all the changes, divorce, moves, job changes, good time, bad times.......we don't see each other as often as we used to but when we do, it as if no time has passed.
I was supposed to go out with her last night for drinks. Then we changed it to dinner at her house. Then i cancelled, then i invited her to my house instead. Neither of us is really in a "good" place. So she came over and we ordered dinner, no alcohol, and caught up on our lives.
By the end of the night we made a pact between us. If either of us even THOUGHT about getting in touch with, or having ANY communication with the losers we just dumped, we are to reach out to each other first. No judgement. Just calm reminders of how these men acted, how we felt about it, and why it is never a good idea to repeat the same mistake.
At least make a NEW mistake.
Because really, thats what dating feels like. Just another mistake. Every. Single.Time.
It felt good to talk about Bill and the things that had gone on, and not gone on, during our on again, off again "relationship" or whatever that mess was. It's not their fault, these men. We are the ones that tolerate and actually encourage the bullshit behavior. We give too much, too soon, and we project what we want, not what we actually have. They are just warm bodies.
Because really? If i was in my right mind, healed and happy Bills bullshit would have been laughable day one.
He can't help being who he is. I can be more realistic about the chances of ever finding a man that I can trust.
Think that sounds jaded? Date. You'll see.
I woke up this morning and began organizing and cleaning an already clean home. When i have a lot on my mind this is what i do. When my home is messy, i'm busy, i'm happy. Sparkling clean? Something is up with me. It's how i work through my thoughts when i'm in "fix it" mode. Sad mode is sit or lay and stare at the wall for hours hating life in general.
Glad to say i haven't been there in a while. Even with the heartbreak of losing Miyagi.
I'm just a dumbass. I listened to Bills bullshit because i like the version of myself with him if it worked out. I could see his schedule and my schedule vibing, i need a lot of time alone and he has hobbies that keep him busy. (turns out to be ex's not shooting, like i thought lol) I could see living with him. He is a neat freak, and knows how to take care of himself, which I translated into taking care of EACH OTHER. I could see myself being happy with him and the dogs..his dogs....not my dogs. I could see us being social with other people and being a homebody on sunday afternoons. He was a great kisser. When he was warm, he set me on fire. But that warmth was not often, and apparently it was contrived.
Great.
So add fake passion to the list of shit i need to avoid with the male gender.
HOWEVER, he ran hot and cold. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me - that is how he got me back the last time. I felt "picked". Words are just words. And he promptly forgot he spoke them as soon as he "had" me. When we broke up he told me he "wanted it to work, wanted to feel that way, but didn't".
What an asshole. Who does that? Who drags another human into their fucked up life as a test run? He has zero compassion, or feeling for anyone other than himself. All he cares about is what he wants. What he wants is what he can't have, or something he can take away from someone else.
And i knew that. Yet, i barreled in like he was some kind of prize because he is "successful" and "grown up" and yes, he made me laugh my ass off WHEN HE KNEW IT WOULD SAVE HIS ASS. I do love men who make me laugh.
Not that it's very difficult. I'm a happy lady when i'm treated well.
I could list all the reasons i should check myself into the looney bin for thinking it was ever going to work with this man. I don't want to review my stupidity.
But i will.
He wasn't gorgeous, he wasn't very nice to me, he didn't make me feel special, he is smaller than other men i've dated (in height and stature you pigs) and he never made me a priority. He is cocky, purposely sets people off and thinks he is the absolute shit. No one knows anything. He knows EVERYTHING. He completely ignored my birthday.
What the hell was i attracted to?
Must have been all the "negging" he did to me about my weight, my body, my fitness, my thoughts, my needs, my goals........yeah, that must have been it because really, thats all he did. Anything i told him he would rip apart and say why it wasn't gonna work, or why i couldn't do it.
Remember this MB.
He had a key because at one point i thought he would actually feed my cat while i was away, which is laughable. He texted me and told me he would give it back when he had a chance. In billspeak, that means when he knows i've forgotten about him he will use it as an excuse to pop back into my life again.
So i texted him yesterday and told him to throw it away. (It's pretty easy to make a copy if he wanted to do my harm, whats the point?) I told him I didn't want to see him again, and that i didn't want him using it as an excuse to pop back into my life. I told him to forget he ever knew me.
And i mean it.
He read it. And gratefully, did not respond. Bye boy, BYE.
I deserve so much better than he never offered. LMAO.
I know that if he contacts me again he will wheedle his way back into my life because look how many times he's done it before. Master manipulator. So i have to think of him as a pack of cigarettes. Any contact and I'll be doing it again, and it will lead to my death. Simple.
Comments
Post a Comment