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nastiness

 Last night i wrote a blog filled with nastiness regarding Bill.  I reviewed every fucked up thing he has ever said or done to me that I ACCEPTED.

There are a lot of assholes in the world, we don't have to choose to associate with them.  But i did.  

What is wrong in my head that a man like that would hold my attention?

My therapist said it was because of how i was raised/watered.  That i chase approval from men who withold, that i want to prove my value, that i want to be picked.

I'm a pick me girl?  ewwwwww.

Nah, i'm going to have to disagree there.  You don't have to tell me more than once that you don't want me.  But with Bill, he told me that a bunch of times, and i broke it off, carried on only to have him return with a changed mind.

And i let him.

See, that is the key.

He is blocked everywhere.  I can't imagine how he would show up again but knowing HIM, he will.  It might take a year more or less, but he will return.  He always does.  Not out of any love for me, but to be validated.  To know he is still relevant.

Won't happen.  With Darryl i had a 13 year history and we took an 8 year break with no contact before we came to where we are now.  Casual, once in a while contact.  

I haven't fallen for very many men in the past 10 years - it's been Carlos and Bill.  I can go back and forth with Carlos once in a while, but we have no real history.  Just the fantasy i had built up in my head.  And he was fun, and nice to me.  I enjoyed everything about him except the distance he keeps emotionally.

And thats the big thing, isn't it?  The emotional attachment/bond is what i crave.  And it can't be forced.  

Last time i texted with Carlos he was all sex talk which isn't surprising, it's what we did well together.  At the same time, it turned me off.  I think i could live the rest of my life without sex, or having a man say dirty things to me out of the blue........Theres a time and place and honestly, i haven't hit on either of those in a long time.

It did make him more human less fantasy.

Now i'm on FB dating again and it's the same guys........just like i'm returning yet again i wonder if they have too or if they live there.  

I'll go out when asked if i'm interested.  But i feel like it might be a waste of time.  Maybe there's only jerks and alcoholics left in the picking pile.

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