Skip to main content

i do this to myself

 The closer i get with Don, the more i begin to self sabotage.  

I won't do anything to risk the relationship, it's more of a torture myself type thing.

I was talking in my sleep, apparently about Bill - or too Bill.  Don asked me who Bill is the next morning.  I blew it off.  Bill is the LAST person i want to talk about to Don.  I'm afraid Bills toxic bullshit will seep in to my present. 

I've been very good about trusting Don, in spite of my innate distrust of all men, with good reason.  I don't worry about him with other women.  I don't worry about him fucking me over.  I do worry that maybe i won't be strong enough for him.  I've seen some of the PTSD, felt it vibrating off him - and all i know to do is give him space but let him know i'm not judging.  I've been reading a lot about it, and how it shows up.  To me, he is worth the time.  He is worth any effort.  I just hope i have the strength of character that he does.

Time will tell.  It always does. 

I am in a mood.  This morning i woke up happy- having a snow day and being able to clean out that huge closet i have so i can fit Don's 3D printer in it.  We are going to make things.  He knows how, i will learn.  So as i'm bringing boxes to the basement, and making a donation pile my mood starts to turn.  I'm so happy.  How long will that last?  How will this man break my heart and spirit?  Why am i letting him in and getting close?  What is wrong with me?

And then i go to social media and .........stalked Bills page.  I wanted to see the puppies.  He never posted anything about his personal life.  But as i'm looking at River, the puppy - i see a female slippered foot.  Sitting in the same exact seat i used to sit in.  And that picture was posted at the beginning of February.  Not even two weeks after i broke up with him.

I should feel vindicated.  I knew he was a lying cheating asshole.  But having it right there.......It's not even HIM.  It's me.  Its my poor judgement AGAIN.

Darryl - Cheated.  Carlos - didn't want anything serious with ME, but was in a relationship shortly after me Bill- just a toxic ride from the begining, me being part of a weird threesome i knew nothing about until i was involved.  Poison smells sweet.  Its hard to quit.  But i did.  Something in me identified with his disgusting character - the darkness in me, related to the darkness in him.

And now, here i am again.......getting attached to another man.  A man who within 5 minutes of coming to my house grabbed a shovel and cleaned off my deck and back stairs.  A man who tells me the past doesn't matter because i wasn't there with him.  A man who cooks food and brings it to me.  A man i feel emotionally safe with, as long as physically.

I'm gonna bet he never chokes me out and then thinks its funny when i have a bad reaction.  

I'm gonna bet he disappears before he ever cheats.

I met his PARENTS.  He introduces me to other men in his building as his GIRLFRIEND.  He doesn't hide me.  

I don't trust my judgement.  I'm getting nervous because i'm attached.  I really really really don't want to get hurt yet again. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »