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Avoidant

 i fell for two avoidant personality types.  The kind that like you fine until you actually want to be with them.  The more you want them, the more they pull away and run.

I've worked through "why" in therapy, and i'm pretty sure now that i'm aware of it, i can hopefully avoid it.  

I need more than bare minimum.  I need to not give more than one reasonable chance.  I get mad at myself, get "dramatic" about it because i'm ashamed to have fallen for someone who gave me all the evidence that he was not the one.

First with Carlos. Who seemed very interested until I was returning the interest.  Then he "got stressed".  I'm not sure if he really is an avoidant though, because he's been with someone for a while and doesn't seem to have a problem staying with her.

Maybe it was just me.  He didn't want to be with me but the sex was good.  I just didn't fill any other criteria he had in his head.  He was honest, but it doesn't make it better considering he knew i wanted more.  He could have been a better man, and i could have protected myself from the situation by not engaging as soon as he told me he didn't want a relationship.

I thought we'd "grow" into it, because i wanted him.  I accepted that he didn't want me, but would fuck me.  That's on me.  Entirely on me.

Won't happen again.  Matter of fact that lesson was so hard that i haven't had sex SINCE him.  I've dated, but nobody i wanted to get serious about, or vice versa.  I made a choice not to have sex with a man i wasn't in a relationship with.

Bill.  He thought if he could have gotten it up i would have definetly had sex with him.  Like i never dated any men that kissed good before him. He thought because i am passionate, that he could have had me.  And maybe he could have at one point, when i thought we were together, wanting the same thing.  I'm just glad the man couldn't get hard to save his life.  I didn't have to get attached to him like that.

But there it is again. He is an avoidant.  Always wanted me when he couldn't have me, as soon as he got me, didn't want me.  Would pull away.  I know it's not just me though, he had his ex who never left the picture.  He was with me, wanted her because she was with someone else.  When he had her, multiple times, he cheated (with me and others) and treated her like shit.

And this is who i thought i fell for.  

That is also on me.  Now when i look back i get furious.  Not at him, he can't really help that he's a coward. His thoughts and feelings are only for himself.  He carries his own cross.  I get mad at myself for again thinking, we would grow into it.

You'd think i would be sick of men.  I'm more sick of myself.  I have to remain detached and not become so easily pleased with breadcrumbs.  I'm not.  But i accept it, and continue to entertain men who do it to me.

Maybe i do need to put effort into dating multiple men.  Then one doesn't become so important, and has some competition.  That was my intention, to date multiple, but it's exhausting.  And not fun.

YES, i think about it all the time.  I'm 58, i'd like to have sex again.  I'd like to have a man to cuddle with who i respect and want.  I want to share my life with someone who also wants to share with me.  I don't think that's a bad thing.

I am happy by myself, yes.  But i want a relationship just as much.  But not with just anyone.  And not with an avoidant.  

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