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second one today

 I was up at 4:30am and couldn't go back to sleep because of the intrusive thoughts i wrote about in my last entry.

I took a luxurious shower, took my time getting ready, made myself lunch, cleaned up the kitchen and scrolled social media.  Then i left the house at 6:45am because there was nothing else to do that would't cause me to go back to bed.

As i was pulling into work i saw the moon.  It was huge and very much THERE which made me think of Darryl.  My ex. of course. So i texted him "do you see the moon?" and he called me.

Talking to him now, after all these years, is a comfort.  We had 13 years together, he knew me when i was unmedicated (lol) and there was a lot of pain associated with him.  I grew a lot with him.  And he betrayed me.  But that was 10 years ago and i've continued to grow and heal and learn.  

There are worse men then him out here.

And there are better.

He will always be Darryl.  So talking to him is like talking to someone i care about, but who can no longer hurt me.  I would never allow that type of situation with him again, and frankly, i don't think he would either.  We weren't good for each other.

This morning we chatted for about 1/2 an hour as he asked me about my trip, and told me whats going on with him.  It was like talking to Sarah, or Amie....or any of my friends.  I'm glad for that.

Some people are meant to be in your life - maybe the roles are confused, but when you get that part right you have something meaningful.  There was a time when i hated him with a passion, where i might have done him harm if given the opportunity..........big feelings.  Because i loved him in a way that we should never have connected.

I do believe we meet the same people during different lifetimes.  Yesterday i saw 3 cardinals and i immediately thought of Miyagi.  Cathy was on the phone with me and she sounded "iffy" about a dog trying to send me a message but .......it was Miyagi.  He was my soulmate.  Will always be a part of me.  And maybe i'll meet him again, in whatever form, in a different lifetime. 

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