What man isn't prince charming when he's first trying to date you? And then, once you have shown interest ....over time familiarity, the truth starts to leak out. No one is perfect, everyone has their moods and sometimes you just need a break from someone.
Side thought -I've never needed a break from Doug and Jen. Just saying. I've spent weeks with them, and have still gone to their house the following weekend. It's easy, it's natural, we talk, we eat, we have fun, and we aren't always together even if we are together. Sometimes, i play my games, or read, or even go take a nap and it's okay. They do the same thing. That is family. That is comfort. That is home.
Don and i are still new, and I do feel like he is pushing forward at a speed i'm not comfortable with. I'm not going to play house with a man i just met. Yes, he can spend the night, and have sex and hang out and go out shopping or site seeing...get to know each other better every day. The good the bad and the ugly.
I'm getting the inkling that there may be some ugly I should know about but he won't talk about and that's okay. For now. I'm not talking about his Marine experience. That is his to hold until/if he ever wants to confide or share. I understand that. But i DO need to know the triggers because like I am so GOOD at, i step on a landmine and have no idea where the explosion comes from. So yeah, i need to know a little about his past.
Especially with relationships.
I've come too far, and become to peaceful and happy with my life to tolerate any kind of stupid bullshit from anyone.
It's not funny to neg on me. "Negging, when a partner puts you down, so you feel you have to prove yourself, can often be disguised as flirting. May seem innocent enough. But it’s actually a type of emotional manipulation that can land a blow on your self-esteem"
It's something i've become very aware of - every relationship i've had (with the exception of Carlos) has involved negging in one extreme or another. First, i'm wonderful, beautiful, and then........i'm not. Unless I this...or that...or placate ....
Um. No thank you. I don't talk to men like that and i'm not going to be talked to like that by any man, ever again.
A huge trigger i have is when men walk away obviously pissed off at me, without saying "i'll be back later" or "I'll call you in a little while"....some kind of touch stone that they aren't leaving me forever. This comes from my mother bullshit, and from my fears that i'm not good enough. The idea of a man leaving me used to send me into a pure panic attack.
I'm happy to say, that is no longer the case. I think Bill must have cured me. He sent me on such an emotional rollercoaster that the idea of a man withdrawing his love from me, only confirms that he is not the man for me. It has nothing to do with my value, or anything i did or did not do. Love is not performative or conditional. Not the kind i want.
Last night i told Don that i can be miserable all by myself, i don't need a mans help. I wish he would have listened, but then, I was probably "being too much".
I'm not your friend, i'm not your property, and I sure as hell am not anyones child. I don't need to be raised, or taught how to act. If someone has an issue with something i say or do, then having a conversation about it is invited....use your words. But pouting, ignoring me (especially in my own home) .....unacceptable. So when you make it obvious you are collecting your stuff to go home.......don't expect a reaction.
Do as you will. This is my philosophy after having too many years being controlled by a man threatening to leave me. Go then. If you cant communicate, and compromise - then i'm not the woman for you.
He left this morning, obviously pissed off about something - and I let him. What did he want? "baby is everything okay? what's wrong? are you mad at me?" Because OBVIOUSLY yes, all of the above. His choice was to leave. Okay. Bye. i'm not chasing after a man to have him turn his mood on me. I know i did nothing egregious by waking up this morning.
Maybe this isn't going to work out. My second toxic trait is to cut off anyone i feel is going to cut me off. I do it first. If I get a feeling they aren't happy with me, or don't want to be around me, they are done. I did it multiple times with Bill. I should have seen it through the first time and then if it was going to end LET IT end instead of the cat and mouse game i participated in with him.
I'm not going to cut Don off because he chose for whatever reason to leave this morning. He left some of his stuff here, and thats okay. I knew when he left, because i had no reaction other than a hug and "drive safe"...he would be back. He was looking for me to ask him and hell no......i've learned. I'm not asking for an attack.
I went and got into the shower and my phone started ringing off the hook. I ignored it. Then i hear a knock on my door, then banging. I jump out of the shower, open the door and let him in......then turn around and go back to my shower. Dude. I'm not playing games. I heard the door shut again.
Choices.
Today, i'm bringing a lot of garbage out to the dumpster, and i'm going to drop off a lot of stuff at good will. Then i'm coming home and watching tv while i work on a puzzle, or maybe read a book, or take a nap. Whatever the hell i want to do.
With, or without a man.
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