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Funk

 yesterday i was in a funk.

My nervous system gets set off when i start to get close to a man.  

I'm trying to learn how to regulate it, instead of going into these spirals of fear and anxiety.

Whats the worst thing that can happen?  He turns out to be not for me and we end it.  Tada!  I've done that before and i can do that again and be fine.

It's not like when i was married, had a barely minimum wage job and 2 children to support on my own while living with a mentally unstable drug addict. I survived that and anything after it is a cake walk.

I let myself get too close.  I need to practice detachment.  For my own mental health and for his comfort as well.  No one needs an emotionally dependent weight around their shoulders.  And those that do, aren't thinking of my best interest.

So. Don is bringing over his expensive 3D printer because he doesn't have room at his place, which is a very pleasant but small apartment.  It doesn't leave a lot of room for extras.  Also, you can pretty much hear everything at his place.  Which, doesn't leave a lot of room for privacy.  Not that my place is any better but i only have the neighbor upstairs to consider.

That means we will be spending most down time at my place.  He is retired, so he has a lot of free time on his hands - He's already listed the things he will do for me at my place.  Him sitting still for a long time isn't something i will see very often.  And i like that.  I don't need a man coming to my home on the weekends and taking up space on my couch staring at the TV.  Theres a time and place.  Not on my time, not at my place.

I'm excited about him painting my living room, and getting the deck filled with plants and flowers.  He wants to attack the weeds crawling up the building by my front door and why shouldn't he?  I've been begging management to fix it for years.  Don wants to make it look nice and if he wants to, go for it.  

He wants me to research a vacation for us this summer and he will pay for it.   I reminded him that I (and now we) go to Florida every summer with Doug and Jen.  If he doesn't want to, thats fine but i'm going.  He says i'm not going on vacation without him.  So i guess that means he is. HA!  He will always be invited, but he is going to find out that i do what i want when it comes to getting together with my friends that are family to me.  

He's dragging his feet on meeting my friends and i reminded him that i met his parents on our SECOND date.  I'm not going to take excuses.  I jumped, he needs to jump.  

Because not meeting my friends, is a big no no.  I won't introduce him to my kids until we have been together for at least 6 months.  Probably at the holidays if we are still together.  Unless it's very serious and committed and PROVEN.....he won't meet my kids.

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