Skip to main content

Funk

 yesterday i was in a funk.

My nervous system gets set off when i start to get close to a man.  

I'm trying to learn how to regulate it, instead of going into these spirals of fear and anxiety.

Whats the worst thing that can happen?  He turns out to be not for me and we end it.  Tada!  I've done that before and i can do that again and be fine.

It's not like when i was married, had a barely minimum wage job and 2 children to support on my own while living with a mentally unstable drug addict. I survived that and anything after it is a cake walk.

I let myself get too close.  I need to practice detachment.  For my own mental health and for his comfort as well.  No one needs an emotionally dependent weight around their shoulders.  And those that do, aren't thinking of my best interest.

So. Don is bringing over his expensive 3D printer because he doesn't have room at his place, which is a very pleasant but small apartment.  It doesn't leave a lot of room for extras.  Also, you can pretty much hear everything at his place.  Which, doesn't leave a lot of room for privacy.  Not that my place is any better but i only have the neighbor upstairs to consider.

That means we will be spending most down time at my place.  He is retired, so he has a lot of free time on his hands - He's already listed the things he will do for me at my place.  Him sitting still for a long time isn't something i will see very often.  And i like that.  I don't need a man coming to my home on the weekends and taking up space on my couch staring at the TV.  Theres a time and place.  Not on my time, not at my place.

I'm excited about him painting my living room, and getting the deck filled with plants and flowers.  He wants to attack the weeds crawling up the building by my front door and why shouldn't he?  I've been begging management to fix it for years.  Don wants to make it look nice and if he wants to, go for it.  

He wants me to research a vacation for us this summer and he will pay for it.   I reminded him that I (and now we) go to Florida every summer with Doug and Jen.  If he doesn't want to, thats fine but i'm going.  He says i'm not going on vacation without him.  So i guess that means he is. HA!  He will always be invited, but he is going to find out that i do what i want when it comes to getting together with my friends that are family to me.  

He's dragging his feet on meeting my friends and i reminded him that i met his parents on our SECOND date.  I'm not going to take excuses.  I jumped, he needs to jump.  

Because not meeting my friends, is a big no no.  I won't introduce him to my kids until we have been together for at least 6 months.  Probably at the holidays if we are still together.  Unless it's very serious and committed and PROVEN.....he won't meet my kids.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »