truthful

 It would be easy for me to just skip this entry, skip talking about tonight.  But it wouldn't be real.  If this blog is anything at all, it's truthful.  Even when i look like an idiot.

No apologies for last night.  Just texting and talking like normal today, and me pretending last night didn't happen.  

And i liked talking to him, i was perfectly okay letting last night go silently into the night to die its horrible death. Because i'm great at avoiding.  

So we talked all day on and off and he asked me to come to his house tonight to walk.  "your turn" he said.  Like i haven't been the one going to his house all along.  He has been here ONCE and he couldnt wait to leave.  

I was looking foward to seeing him, because i missed him last night.  Yes, that sounds ridiculous and it is.  He is so all consuming that when he isn't there or calling, its a huge quiet space.  I go to his house and say hello to the dogs.  He is cranky, even though all day he was fine on the phone with me.  I go to him to give him a kiss hello and he chicken pecks me.  I tease him "what? no kiss for me?" and he gives me a less quick kiss.  But he can't get away from me fast enough.

I should mention here that i talked to my therapist today and told her about the choking incident.  She told me that i did nothing wrong, that my reaction of not having a reaction was normal in that type of situation, it is survival mode, making nice in order to be able to leave.  I don't know if she's right,, but it brought all the feelings up again.  And I didn't tell her, but it reminded me of how he broke it off with me too.

So i'm pretty raw, after last night, todays therapy.........i just want to see him and be reminded of why i am doing this again.  And he is angry.  His energy is huge.

He hooks up the dogs, and we start down the driveway.  I ask him a question about Abel, how i should be walking him and he yells at me why am i asking him, just walk him.  His neighbor comes outside and says "Hiiiiii" and now Abel wants to go there.  He's a cane corso....he's not small, like Miyagi.....and he starts to drag me.  I yell for Bill, and he gets pissed off and gives me Cane instead.

Cane is ....huge.  And no way can i control him.  And he knows it.  

What the FUCK is he handing his dogs over to ME for????  And then getting pissed at me and yelling.  YELLING at ME...this motherfucker.  Who the hell does he think he is?  King?  fuck out of here.

And then he freaks out on the dogs.  And i mean, freaks out.  He slams Abel on the ground so hard i thought he killed him.  I was in shock  Then he pulled him up on his choke and the dog was literally hanging......Cane did something and he kicked him.  I couldn't believe my fucking eyes.  And i was scared.  Then he lets the dog down and this dog runs to ME cowering and i see his leash wrapped around his leg and Mr. Cigar PULLS it so hard i can't believe this dog doesn't have a broken leg.  I yell that his leg is wrapped up stop it, and he screams at me to leave the fucking dog alone.

Something in my head snapped.

literally, i felt it.

HE created this situation and he's mad at the dogs and me?  Fuck this guy.  I turned around and walked back up the driveway with smoke coming out of my ears.  I hope the dogs get him in his sleep.  That fucker.

He drags the dogs in the other direction.

ask me if i leave when i get to my car.  No.  I do not.  I'm waiting for him to come around and when he does he yells at me what am i waiting for, lets go, get walking........and i'm like "the fuck?"......and he continues to walk away like i'm going to chase him.........and I know i'm making a big mistake being here.........i go to my car and i leave.

I tried.  I tried to have faith that he really wanted to be a better man and make changes. Changes HE said he wanted to make, i didn't tell him to.  But he's WORSE and i've only known him a total of 3 months......this is supposed to be the honeymoon period.

I have no one to blame but myself.  I led myself straight into the lions den hoping he would be a kitten, with me at least!  And here i was, so impressed with how he treats his dogs......and then THIS. 

What is it about me, that i get involved with the broken ones?  Because i'm broken.  Because i just want someone to see me and understand me too.  

For fuck sake if my doctor doesn't increase my meds i'm probably going to try to date Charlie Manson. EVEN IF HES DEAD.  I literally hate myself at this moment.  

FUCK.