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Do you have to be sad to create art?

 The dark cloud is still hanging over my head.  I wear my red lipstick, i plaster on a smile and i head out the door to go to work and pretend all is right with the world in my head.

It's not that anything is wrong.  It's just........not right.  I'm just sad.  short tempered.  Thats just how it is right now, and it will eventually pass.  

Last night i pulled out my Dirt shirt.....thats the bands name, and I haven't done anything to the shirt since it was given to me.  I needed to cut it up, add some me to it so i can wear it Friday night.  So i started cutting, and then i got freaked out because i "messed it up" and thought "how can i fix this mess" so i grabbed my box of doo da's and found a heavier chain necklace, grabbed my box of safety pins and went to town.  While i was doing it i was concerned that this is more of a punk look....and then i decided i like it and if anyone else doesn't, that is none of my business.  

Funny that i've been planning this outfit since i found out i was going.  But i have a few versions because i know Jen is going to veto my favorite wide leg army pants........she thinks they are too big, BUT i love the pockets!  So i'm gonna try to get them past her, but i also brought my trusty ripped black jeans and i will wear fishnets under them because they are REALLY ripped. My favorite platform maroon patent leather army boots.....and i'm ready to go.  I might just texture the hair up and let it be crazy- and of course the black eyes.  Done.

Perhaps i will have fun and feel good.  I will look like it, at the very least.

I found a beautiful second hand leather jacket on line but i won't buy it.  I'm in between sizes and losing weight steadily so i don't want to buy anything major until i hit my goal. I don't even know what main goal is to be honest.  For me, size 10.  For my doc, who knows.  I know where i feel good, and thats it for me.  

My physical therapist is a wonderful person and has been a huge support to my progress.  She will get me on that trail next year, and i will hike it like it's nothing.  That last big hill will not make me have anxiety, i will strut my ass right to the top and then i'll give the finger to it. Double fingers.  I only wish Mr. Cigar was a different guy and that he could be there to see the difference....so i could give HIM double middle fingers.  Maybe drop my pants so he can kiss my ass.

The thought makes me feel nice.  I like it.

Anyways, thats my goal with the physical therapy ....that trail is waiting for me.  

My latest achievement, which is less than perfect, is walking up my steps without holding the railing.  Sad, isn't it.  But for me, it's something.  I try not to think about it (because most of my problem is in my head) and just go up.  No holdsys.  It's a balance thing and a security thing.  I'm working on it slowly.

My ass is starting to pop out......hehehehe.  Welcome home honey.  

Big weekend ahead.  Trying to look forward to it.  I'm entertaining Saturday night - cooking steaks on the grill for my friends.  What the actual fuck was i thinking?

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