Ropes and release

 I listened to a podcast this morning from "Modern Love" regarding kink, and rope play.  This was put out by the New York Times so i don't think the purpose was for titillation as much as information.  I found myself really listening as i was getting ready for work.

I know a bit about this.

About pain in general and about very specific purposeful pain.

I don't want to write about it, there are a lot of great articles and ways to find out the details from sources that are a lot more knowledgeable and articulate than i am.

What i got caught up on was the speakers experience of release - It's not sexual, although after the release there is gratitude an union on both sides of the rope, the top and bottom.  So while it can certainly turn into sex it doesn't have to.  Thats not the point in the grand scheme of things.

Back in the day i spent some time in bondage clubs because i was writing a paper on deviant sexual behavior for a psychology class i was taking at the time.  Kink was considered deviant back then, and now in some circles.  Very off the cuff, but i'd say there is a higher percentage of damaged people participating in kink, for sure.  But aren't we all damaged in one way or another?

The paper got me interested, and i saw a small light at the end of the tunnel but my husband at the time was far from willing to discuss it.  He didn't understand why I wanted him to "hurt" me.  He couldn't wrap his mind around what i wanted to investigate as a couple.  The idea, (solution?) died as soon as it was birthed.  

It was years later, after having been divorced forever and just leaving a 13 year relationship with my "bf" that i was re-introduced to the world of kink.  It sounds taudry. Parts of it can be. I think i partook in all the different levels of decency within legal and moral limits. 

The acts themselves were not the point.  The reclaiming of self was.  The freedom of having control over my sexuality after it had been held hostage to two long term very traditional relationships for my whole life was my experience.  But it wasn't until this morning as i was listening to this podcast that another missing piece fell into place. 

It was about accepting my body with all it's imperfections, seeing it as a tool and not a thing to be used by someone else for their purposes.

A couple of years ago when i went to florida with my friends we went to the nudist beach.  I felt challenged "I didn't think you would want to go" so I made it a mission to go strut my big girl ass around on that beach like i had a right to.

I almost drowned that day, but thats a different story.

People on that beach, and there were not a lot, didn't give a good damn what anyone thinks.  The long timers look like raisonettes .....wrinkled and brown all over.  All kinds of bodies, big, small, fat, skinny, young and mostly older.  I mean, Florida.  

A switch got thrown as i sat there trying to work up the courage to take my top off.  Who cares?  And wouldn't it feel wonderful to feel the sun on my breasts?  Off with the top.  

I'm not ashamed of my body, but i've never been accepting of it either - not even when i was a young small hard body - I never felt proud or happy with my body.  Now i'm a big woman, losing wieght at an age when elasticity is practically gone and i am the MOST comfortable in my body.  And that didn't happen until  quite recently.

Part of being at peace with yourself is accepting who you are - all the good, bad, different than others, and sames.  We are who we are and we try to be the best we can be and sometimes we just aren't.  And its okay.  We are still allowed to love ourselves, even on the worst days.

Kink kind of introduced me to the idea of "to each his own".........what works for you may not work for others.  People participate for different reasons.  None of them wrong.  

I had a friend who would spank my ass so hard it would be covered in bruises for weeks.  He knew how to do it- with the build up.  He only ever used his hand on me.  And i was a stubborn brat, i would not ever quit or ask for him to stop.  Each slap would release me from my thoughts, my thinking too much, my worries, my inadequacies, my failures, my losses........Each slap brought focus to that sting, that pain - concentrated into one place physically, not mentally.  I craved it.  When the bruises would start to fade i would be sad.  They were the proof- they were the visual proof of my bearing the pain and surviving, thriving, carrying on.  Healing.

People would cringe when they saw pictures of my proudest sessions.  They couldn't understand and thats okay.  He understood how to release me, how to talk to me, "tell me to stop", "no, I will not"....SMACK.  

It's been years since i've had a spanking.  I don't think i could bear what i did then - I no longer want that level of release, I no longer need it.  It served it's purpose - It purged the pain i carried inside and while it left its marks on my buttocks, they faded as i healed.  

Rope play is painful - it is a different type of release for both.  The tops need to be needed, the bottoms need to let go and feel without the noise, the aftercare of real feelings although temporary.  

I'm rounding in circles - I realize this.