Last night i went live on TikTok again while i did my manicure. Sometimes when i go live no one really "sticks" to have a conversation with, so i wait about 5-10 minutes and see who pops up and starts to talk.
Last night was active. A small group, but chatty. It's me chatting, and them typing. I have to learn how to bring people in so they can talk live as well. Someday. No rush.
What surprised me was the ex of 13 years popping in again and staying for a long time. That has to be strange to him, watching me talk to a bunch of men i don't know. It is mostly men although sometimes i get lucky and a few women join. Thats more fun for me. It's like a big party. Anyways, some people are "regulars" and we've developed a sort of banter, and have a little background from previous conversations.
I'm not sure i would like to watch an ex flirt.......however, i do encourage and tease him when he's in the live. My bestie hates that i have anything to do with him. She absolutely HATES him, and says he doesn't deserve a minute of my time or attention. I don't think she trusts that I won't go back to him even after all these years apart.
Let me say this plainly. Never. Not in a million years. I have zero attraction to him and he is not in a place in his life that i would want to be part of. When i was with him i was blind, i was hurt from a marriage ending and he was a liferaft. A fun and exciting liferaft.
Our breaking up was the best thing to happen to me. MY life began after that. I learned i can take care of myself. I don't need anyone when it comes down to it. I also learned that i don't HAVE to do it by myself and it's okay to ask for help. I grew. I expanded. I arrived.
Yes, i made a lot of mistakes out in the wild, but thats what we are supposed to do in our 20's and i was busy being a wife and mom. I'm a late bloomer.
But sharing a life with someone for that long leaves a hole. We know each other well. And there's no worry about keeping the shine on, if that makes sense. Good, bad, ugly....really ugly.......we've seen it in each other. It took a long time to let go of the hurt, the anger, the rage. And honestly, it wasn't until we began talking again that i felt it leave my body.
I don't want him. I'm not sure who i was to be with him in the first place. This isn't hate. I have love for him because of our history and I had a HELL of a lot of fun with him. I used to attribute the fun to HIM because i never felt likeable. I did things with him, met people with him, I gave him all the credit. I have since learned that I am a hell of a lot of fun, i'm smart, witty, joyful.....and part of that history was me.
We were kids in adult bodies with adult responsibilities. Now he's in the thick of raising his daughter and I am a free bird. The shoes have switched.
Anyways my point today is that i can sit on a live and chat away with total strangers, and manage to still be positive and funny when the jerks come in, I hold my own. I don't even wear makeup or try to make myself look attractive. If it's after work, it's after work. If its on the weekend......it's me looking like the weekend. I'm not there to impress. I'm just chit chatting with people and finding my own balance.
This will all come in very handy when i start traveling in the van. I will have learned how to talk to anyone about anything and yet still have firm and clear boundaries.
I'm likeable. Thats a new concept for me.
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