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actually excited




 I can't wait for tonight.  It's no big deal, just going to see a band i know with my friends.  I haven't been out like this for months.....I don't have to drive, I will know some people there ("i'm with the band") and i'm ready to just let the darkness go for a few hours and cut loose.  Have a few drinks, dance a little, flirt a little if i'm lucky, and know that i'm going home with people i love.  

Sounds like a good night.  

Tomorrow I go shopping with Doug so he can pick the steaks and then home to get ready for the shenanigans gathering.  I'm less ready for that. I feel pretty guarded in a group i never used to feel guarded in.  I think it's because i grew boundaries, my life took a different direction, I grew out of the craziness and wild times i indulged in for a while and .......now i'm boring. 

Last night in the chat one of the women was very obvious with her comments about spending quality time with Eddie.  There was some fun banter in the group before she started making obvious comments....which, is actually a pretty big no no.  She was never one to be discreet and every man i ever brought around the group was approached by her.  (I know this sounds strange to people who don't know, but generally this was acceptable before i grew out of the "lifestyle")  I used to actually judge the men i was dating based on how they responded to her.  Would they bang anything?  Were they selective, as i am?  Or could anyone just throw their twat at them and they'd dive in.

Well.  The group chat died at that point, literally because i stopped interacting.  They could have carried on, but they didn't.  Most no longer participate in the lifestyle that brought us all together.  As i said previously, Ed and i have history.  It was fun, but it was never a romantic thing.  I have moved on, he was in a serious monogamous relationship until recently and i maybe had in the back of my head that perhaps.......Because Doug and Jen want it so badly.  They think we'd be perfect together,. that we ARE perfect together. What we are is very easy with each other.  There is a comfort there. 

But i am deeply aware that he is fresh out of a long term relationship and that he is on the prowl.  I don't know when the "quality time" with our friend occurred, could have been back then, could have been recently.......either way, it's none of my business.  BUT......i judged.  Now i see him as someone who will bang anything. Would be hard to change that visual in my head.

Am i crazy?  Men think with their dicks.  They lead with their dicks.  They go for low hanging fruit for quick thrills and no attachments.......i know this because i've BEEN this with Mr. Tattoo.  I watch how this female friend operates and I wonder if she likes being the one that everyone has been with.......in the tristate area.  

So Ed is officially friend zoned and that makes it easier to hang out with him.  Do you boo.  I will even assist in helping you get what you want.  My freak days are over. 

Just found out a guy i dated who got hurt feelings when it didn't work out will be there tonight with a mutual friend.  The friend was giving me a heads up.  My response was "say hello, i won't bite"........I don't have room in my heart for drama.  It was years ago, we didn't date that long.  It was never a love match.  

He was a poser bad ass when i know real bad asses.  He was puffy chest and drama - liked to set me up in situations and wanted me to get upset.....fuck that.  Men do what men do, and you can accept it or move on.  I moved on.  Hopefully he has too.  

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