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like a little kid

 I must be in a good place because not only have I been blogging fairly consistently, I've also been reading like crazy.  For a long time I had no interest in doing either.

Today has been informative, but before I jump into why, I want to write about what just happened.  I started a new position in February, after having worked in a crazy toxic and chaotic environment for a year before that.  I've been with this institution for 5 years now, and that last year was a soul crusher.  ANYWAY, I've moved on and I am working my way through learning a completely new job, with all of my previous experience and strengths coming into play.  I'm left to my own devices and that is a strange feeling- and yet wildly rewarding.  I put my heart and soul into this work and it gets heavy with data - I lose hours of time sometimes, getting lost in the how to's and the what if's.

And because it's all new, I've been creating flow charts and instructions - along with lessons learned and ways to improve the process for next cycle.....My memory is awful so it started out as a way to organize my notes into cohesive instructions on a huge and complicated undertaking.  

I am under the guidance and direction of a highly respected individual who I am in awe of.  So when he asks me what I've been working on and if I will be all set while he is away- and I hand him my draft.....and he SITS down to READ it at that very moment.....excuse my tittering but, he is a busy man.  He asked for a copy of one of my codes because he hadn't seen it before, he wants to study it on the plane.  Then he told me great job, and he wants a copy of this when it's finished....pardon me while I fan girl.......It's amazingly satisfying to have someone be happy with my work and to acknowledge that I may know things they don't.....




Okay, with that bit of patting myself on the back out of the way, I've been down the rabbit hole again.  My most recent obsession has been most enlightening.  I have jumped into the deep end on Personality Types, and Attachment styles and I have shocked myself.

For the longest time, I believed I had an anxious attachment style and I can't remember ever taking a personality test outside of the one I did at work years and years ago that pegged me as blue, data-oriented (WHY DID'T I listen then???) and, Green, nuturer.  I have it somewhere because the company paid a lot of money to do this for us.  I've got to find it.

Well.  I'm more fucked up than I thought I was.  I am a full-fledged Anxious Avoidant, or Fearful Avoidant, or Disorganized Avoidant or, this one is my favorite, a Spice of lifer.  All the same thing.

And just knowing this, sheds so much light on some of my dark corners....

THEN I did the free personality quiz by Myers Briggs and turns out........I'm a INFJ. Introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging, known as the advocate or Humanitarian.

I'm also a Capricorn.

Only a small percentage of people have the same attachment style (because in my words, it's nothing but contradictions running through my mind)  and the INFJ is the rarest personality type.  ALSO because it's fucked up.  and Capricorns are associated with being materialistic, money hungry, greedy, cold and cutthroat people........which I have always taken umbrage with yet acknowledge if you cross me, you will see in action. 

So.

I'm about to get down and dirty with myself and do some serious note-taking and perhaps journaling.  Or not.  

I'm a walking contradiction.  

NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.    


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