Had a friend reach out to me last night. I hear from him every once in a while, he's done favors for me and vise versa, known each other for years .....met in an interesting way, at a gathering of strangers. We connected in a way that has kept us in each others lives, regardless of whatever else is going on.
Both having "dark passengers"....we understand each other. I considered a different lifestyle to be with him, but knew it wasn't for me regardless of how I felt for him. So we stay in touch and our relationship has evolved over time. Used to be incredible sex.
I think that may be why he was reaching out last night, but he didn't drop it and I didn't pick it up. The check ins from someone who I love and adore is enough for me. Its rare to find people, men, like that. Someone who can say and show you he loves you without needing to be your partner, without needing anything from you but that same feeling returned.
No one understands our relationship, but a few are aware of it. They know he was supposed to be my great love but not in this lifetime LOL. Both of us too much alike, too stubborn, too alpha in our comfortable roles. We can talk to each other about EVERYTHING with an open heart to what is best for the other person. No controlling, no ownership, no sense of jealousy.....just the genuine wish for the others well being.
When I was going through "withdrawals" I'll call it, from the last guy to actually make me feel something- I cried to him. He sat on my couch and let me blubber like a baby, throw a temper tantrum, feel the "whoa is me" moment. He hugged me, rubbed my back and comforted me until........it was time for him to give me the talk.
My initial attraction to him was his........maleness, how comfortably he filled his space and held his own without being a jerk (to me). He ...has high status in a 1% mc....(yes, the main reason I couldn't attach) so he's not someone who minces words. He handed me my ass......gently.
Gave me his take on this man. Actually made me a little angry because he defended HIM without hurting me. Thats the long story short, without getting into details that aren't mine to share.
Okay. So after my friend reached out last night and we went back and forth being fresh like we do- checking in for a pulse.....I started remembering how we used to be when we were still strangers. That, fire, that.......craziness that we entertained ourselves with. It was fun. Then those thoughts led into the non-relationship I had with Mr. tattoo. That.....was incredibly fun. The best fun I've ever had. Never thought i'd say that.
I'm a lucky woman to have had some very talented lovers.
So I sent him a message to remind him of what I was being reminded of. Not to rekindle, just to remind. "We" were never a "we". I had hoped that just because we couldn't be partners we might turn into friends over time after me feeling as if I bared my literal soul in ecstasy to him.....but that doesn't happen with people who refuse to attach. He very politely informed me he is seeing someone. I served the purpose of what he needed from me and while it hurts to say it, that's all he needed me for. So it wasn't a relationship he didn't want. It was a relationship with ME. Nice that I finally know. Now I can just go fuck all the way off.
Not everyone is going to turn into a lifelong friend, not everyone is going to evolve with you.
He did raise my standards, that is for sure. I won't open my body to another man until I know it at least MIGHT turn into my last great love. I did think he was looking for the same thing as me, he did tell me he wasn't ...AFTER we slept together and he did his hoodoo voodoo on me. Well played. Maybe there's a part of me that hates him.
That could be it, MB. I'm too much for men that only want a little. My friendship requires that you be my friend in return. My friends don't dismiss me from their lives as if I never mattered beyond a fuck. So no more thinking of someone who doesn't even like me.
This weekend I helped my bestie pack for her move because they sold their house and haven't found another to buy yet. I love her, but she drives me crazy sometimes. I'd still die for her.
The best part of my weekend was being taken to brunch by my son and his wife. We talked about all the fun things and not-so-fun things too. I have missed him so much, and I love every minute when he makes time for me. He towers over me, and I don't know where that came from because his father was my height. My grandfather was very tall......he must have gotten it from him.
So it's Monday, and it's back to work, home, work, home........and that's not a bad thing. The weather is getting cooler, I have my family, my friends, and oh! this week the Elks club too! Soon I'll have volunteer work and making new friends to add to my list. Life is good. Life is what I make it.
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