That lasted less than 24 hours. I cannot date a man I'm not interested in, or have been switched off by. I won't make a list because he is perfect for someone, just not me. Too many "wtf's" have entered my thoughts speaking to him and here is the real reason--He's not adding anything to my life.
That sounds bad.
Fuck it. It's true.
I feel obligated. After my friends picked on me I felt like I should give it a shot. But why? They aren't living my life.
I don't want to. So I'm not going to.
Ah, I feel better.
Now I have to cancel plans and let him know. That part is always yucky. I never know if true colors come out and they get nasty, or if they are a decent guy and appreciate the honesty.
Update: he thinks it's because he didn't text me this morning...........i can't. Maybe I'm crazy but I don't want to be fit into the box with all the bullshit people have been forced to participate in to show interest. I could care less if I get good morning texts, or good night texts. That is such a low effort, hollow gesture to me. Skip it. I'm so over this dating bullshit.
And guess what? Literally, nothing will change in my life. That says it all to me.
This not sleeping with men is turning out really well for me. Not that I slept with all or even most men I dated previously. I think my focus and their focus was on catching the carrot, doing the deed, getting busy ...because really that's all we need each other for when you still haven't determined if this is someone you want to commit to.
Committment. There's a big turn off word to many. I think marriage comes to mind for most and in that case I am in COMPLETE agreement. Everyone should try it once is my philosophy. I learned that I wasn't in agreement with being legally responsible for someone else's actions and finances. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you are now one person, or have control over what someone else does
If I ever find love again, (it will basically need to land in my lap), I'll know the definition of commitment. I only know what it's not.
It's not control. It's not ownership. It's not supposed to be a jail sentence.
My ex husband started his own business as soon as I graduated college when we were both supposed to be working to save money to buy a house. I didn't want him to. He didn't care what I wanted and he went ahead and did it. Not well. Years later the IRS came after ME for back taxes on his business that NEVER profited and was always in the red. Why? Because he had nothing and I had something even though we were divorced. Apparently, I was supposed to hold some kind of leverage as a wife where he was concerned. Tell me, if I couldn't keep the man from smoking crack how was I supposed to keep him from doing anything else and why was that the problem of a woman supporting two children with NO financial assistance? Ranting.
Anyways. NO. that will never ever be a situation I put myself into again, thank you very fucking much. Yes, I know not all men are like that, yes, I know I can't assume I would be financially ruined AGAIN, but here's the thing. I don't want or need to get married again. Marriage is for buying property and having babies. I'm all set on both counts.
Love and commitment, have nothing to do with the government.
I'll take it a step further. The reason I don't want to live with a man ever again is I like sleeping by myself. I don't have to worry if I'm kicking someone, or snoring too loud, or drooling....etc. Do I enjoy sleeping with a man I care about? Yes, sometimes. Not all the time. Knowing he shares a life with me is much better than sharing a bed. I said it.
AND- I like having my own room that holds my own bed. I think all couples should have their own bedrooms. We can visit each other, even have sleepovers when sleep isn't so important, but other than that - he needs his own room and so do I. Sometimes I like the tv on, sometimes I leave a light on, sometimes I want complete darkness and silence...........that should't interrupt someone else's needs while at the same time, my needs are just as important. See? Separate bedrooms is the way to go. Keep that spark alive.
Have some space.
Have some fun.
Here's me thinking about what I would need to live with a man and planning van life at the same time. Welcome to my brain.
I have no man. I have no van.
Oh, and I like things clean and organized but I don't want to feel like the maid. Feels like most men are kind of messy and don't care much so that would leave me feeling stressed about stupid shit that shouldn't matter. I take pride in my living space. It might not be expensive or magazine article perfect, but it's clean, smells good and I know where my stuff is. I can have friends come over without having to clean for a week before. (Even though I am driven to re-clean to make sure everything is nice)....My experience of living with men is that they don't care. And they should.
Thats one of my considerations with vanlife. Because everything will be so compact, it will get messy very easily very quickly. That means constantly cleaning up because messes stress me. I'll need to find a way to store dirty laundry, etc. so it's not all over the place. Noted.
Okay, enough Bullshit for this morning. I've been pretty consistent with writing, I'd say. Trying to keep the brain oiled. I miss him, I'm doing good everywhere else in life at the moment. I'm having breakfast with my son this weekend and it's feeling like Christmas to me. Until next time, be well.
Comments
Post a Comment