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Because i needed that

 Friday i worked in my pj's after rolling out of bed 5 minutes before I was due to sign in.  I got my coffee, sat at my desk and plowed through what was there to do.  I like to put the morning news on Fridays, and flip through the channels while I'm making my to-do list for the day and the next week.

This Friday I did not put the TV on.  I think I will leave it off until this time next month after all the dust has settled and the world we will be living is has been determined.

The full moon on Thursday was supposed to be a big deal to a couple of signs, Capricorn being one of them.  Big changes and breakthroughs apparently.  I feel like my horoscope is always saying that and in reality, that is just life.  for everyone.  

HOWEVER, I've been contemplating removing myself from social media. I do a lot of scrolling when I could be reading, or going out.  I feel like I pay a lot of money for a phone and internet to spend all this time in a shitshow. I've backed off of listening to true crime podcasts while falling asleep a while ago.  I think it was changing my brain.  We should be mortified by this kind of information, not finding it something to lull us to sleep.

I need more control over what is being filtered through my thoughts.  Social media is a cesspool. I get FOMO, feeling of missing out, but on what exactly?  What famous person has died?  What violence is occurring all over the world?  Politics? I think I need to feel more horrified and less careless when seeing something that is horrifying.

Or is this me doing my hibernate thing again?  It's hard to tell.  I withdraw from the world when I'm overstimulated and lately I'm all over the place in my thoughts and feelings.

I like the dating group I'm in.  I don't want to lose touch with something that gives me giggles and makes me feel like less of a pariah. Most times.  Some of those men make me very grateful to be single.  But Tiktok, Instagram....the mindless scrolling....and my stupid postings......that needs to come to an end.

The show was good on Saturday night and it was the only time I left my house for 3 days.  I ordered uber eats instead of going grocery shopping which was not a good choice, but it was the only one I could stomach.  I found something out about myself.  My type has changed.

I was crazy attracted to on of the (probably very married) performers.  It was two Italian men, my age, doing a comedy show on growing up Italian. I grew up in my best friends "downstairs" kitchen and I laughed my ass off.  They were in "character" for most of the show, but when he came out in a t-shirt and jeans I almost fell out of my chair.  Holy Sh*t.  Him as himself?  Smoking hot.  and bald.  with fucking tattoos.  

Here's the thing.  It wasn't just his appearance.  Its who he is, extremely Italian and old school. That traditional masculine male.  Not the toxic wifebeater type many women associate with traditional.  I'm talking about the man that loves his family, takes the head of it and makes sure his family is taken care of.  The kind of guy that makes a woman feel like a woman.  He wasn't wearing skinny jeans, or sneakers....he did have a necklace on but it was the only jewelry (I checked for a wedding band and didn't see one)  They did pictures after the show and I bolted.  Didn't want to get anywhere near him because i'd make an asshole out of myself.  They travel all over the world, I'm pretty sure a white haired round old lady isn't going to rock his boat.

And I wouldn't have minded rocking that boat.........So basically I'm into that Italian old school vibe that I grew up around.  The funny thing is my bestie always warns me about how controlling and hot tempered these men can be.  I'm not controllable, and I have a hot temper too......at this age, I don't see that being a problem.  I see it as a comfort.  We've all grown up.  Hormones and proving ourselves should be done.  

I'm looking forward to committing myself to volunteer.  It will literally force me to participate in society when I'm not working.  I can't allow myself to withdraw any further.  I might not come back out again.

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