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Conflicted

 During the week I have work, self study, pets, and soon volunteer work........I'm busy, happy, fulfilled.  I'm lucky.  I have an actual life with goals to reach and look forward to.  I'm not done.  

On the weekends I do all the chores that keep me going during my busy week.  Housecleaning, laundry, shopping, food prep..etc.  And I like to binge watch TV if there's any time, or play Animal Crossing on my switch with my grandaughter on facetime..........

I have a happy, full life.  And I manage to have a social life with people I love.  I have no complaints.

And yet.

The missing link, a partner, keeps me ill at ease, like I don't really have that much time left to enjoy certain parts of life and I'm missing out.  But I refuse to spend time with a man I know is not the one.  That feels even worse than not having a partner.

I'm on facebook dating even though I keep forgetting to check it and when I do......I give these guys credit for trying but......are you kidding me?  Half aren't real, 1/4 are married and cheating and the others leave a lot to be desired.  Like teeth, a job, a home?  Someone will love them, everyone deserves it, but not me.  No fixer uppers.  "Been there, done that".....arrghh.

Even the thought of going out on a date makes me break out and gives me extreme anxiety and yet sometimes I do it.  Each time I tell myself I won't have to do this ever again if I don't want to.  And then I force myself because I want a partner.  I do.  It's that simple.  But I don't want just anyone.

It's been established through the years that the only men I attach to are men that don't want me.  My friends have pointed out that I am quick to dump "nice men".  I'm here to tell you that everyone is out for themselves and at this point I no longer believe there are NICE MEN.  

I want someone like me.  Someone who loves hard, ride or die - someone who likes to spend time together and apart, someone who wants to spend time with just me but also likes to spend time with our friends.  He should be social.  I should be able to bring him to a work function and not worry about it.  I should be able to go to a dive bar with him and not worry about it.  I want to feel safe.  I want HIM to feel safe. 

So I remain on facebook dating, and check it periodically even though all dating sites are crap, and full time jobs trying to weed through the garbage.  I don't have that kind of time or inclination.  I'm doing it as a "maybe someday I'll stumble upon him accidentally" strategy.

I'm in a group on facebook for singles over 50 from all over the country.  It's actually fun.  There's a lot of activity, conversation, and sometime people do meet.  There is one man in Connecticut who I thought wasn't interested in meeting because he is quite a distance, even though I'm in the center of the state.  Last night, being in a pissy mood ready to cleanse my palate and find a man......on a mission......to save my hurt feelings.........i checked my spam folder on facebook.  And there were a ton of messages from men in the group.  I needed that little lift last night.  But I never forget these are PEOPLE with FEELINGS and aren't alive for my entertainment.

So I answer the nice ones and delete the inappropriate ones...and there he is.

Another bald tattoo man, with a bike. Mr. Connecticut.  He thought I wasn't interested in him because I never responded.  We chatted easily. I did what I do, and checked out his page .......like what I see.  Very into family.  Wants to date, refuses to use dating apps.  Has quite a few miles on his bike which is his lifestyle..rides a LOT.  Not affiliated.  His daughter also rides, which I think is pretty cool.  He asked to talk with me tonight.  I like that.  I said yes.

What bothers me?  He fits the visual profile of trouble to me.  HOWEVER, we've interacted in this room quite a bit, joking around with each other and others.  I've seen how he interacts with others.  We've already established an online report in the room.  So I will relax and not set the alarm yet.

The Elks club will be good for me to meet people in a non dating environment as well.  

So I'm doing things I enjoy and if I meet a guy doing that, we'll have more in common than hormones and bullshit.  

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