always uncomfortable

I've been talking with someone i dated over 6 years ago after my "breakup"....when I just started dating and had no idea what I was in for.  When I thought because you were dating someone you were only dating that person.  I had a lot to learn.

I had gone from marrying my high school sweetheart, being with him a total of 20 years, to a year of chaos where I went on probably hundreds of coffee dates and ended up with a man that was the exact opposite of my ex husband for 13 years.  We then broke up when he found someone younger (he was younger than me I should say) and basically devastated my self esteem which was already not good.

And that's when I met Mr. Clinton who was very acclimated to being single and dating.

We dated a few months and then I cut ties.

He let me.

However, he has always been there in the background - reaching out with random texts, following my social media accounts, making comments - - trying to get back in touch.  I have ignored him.  Like I do. 

A few years ago we were both at an event and when I saw him I avoided him.  He ended up at my table saying hello, not letting me get away with it.  I'm not rude.  So we had a little chat, he asked me out again, I declined again......

And yet, he continued to periodically reach out even with no response from me.

Recently, I've been questioning myself and how I move with men.  My close friends tell me I go full steam ahead for a guy that didn't want me, yet I throw other men out of my life at the drop of a dime.

Of course, they don't know the details of why I broke up with the limited amount of men I've dated more than a few times.  I've only had 2 men anyone can remotely call "boyfriends" and neither lasted beyond 6 months before I could no longer stand to be around them.

One thought he was Mr. Badass motorcycle dude, who thought throwing money around was impressive, and dong so even though he had none.  I was love bombed from the start with him nearly drowning me in flowers and gifts ...what is so wrong with that you may ask?  I had told him to stop bringing me his dead wife's belongings.  Thats what.  I said I didn't need gifts and I didn't think she would appreciate it.  He ignored it.  He ignored anything that wasn't his way.  And then.........one day he almost ran someone in a cross walk down because he didn't want to wait.

I wasn't afraid of him.  I maybe should have been, considering none of his ex's were alive.  

No I'm not kidding.

I broke up with him, he seemed to take it well but then two weeks later lost his mind.  I guess he thought i'd come crawling back.  He was wrong.  I don't need a badass in my life.  Thanks.

THEN there was the other one who said he lived with his elderly aunt and uncle because they needed his help.  He threw a literal temper tantrum in my parking lot when I told him he had to go out and clear his car of snow because we had to move our cars so they could plow.  I also suggested he leave instead of hanging around and waiting because I was sure he had to go shovel out his aunt and uncle.  He was pissed because he had to get off MY couch and go clear his car off.  He was double pissed I "told him to leave" and THEN he told me he didn't want to go home because then he WOULD have to shovel his family out.

What?

Fuck off.

Another peter pan that thinks the world owes him something and he can just be a big kid and someone else will always take care of him.  

Both these men, incidentally, had no money yet smoked copious amounts of expensive weed.

Correlation?   Possible.

Back to Mr. Clinton.  He reached out again while I was in the midst of reviewing my friends comments.  I answered him.  We talked.  He asked me out again.  This time I said yes.

I have no idea if this is a good idea or not but last night I told him we shouldn't go out because I am happy being single and I'm not trying to use anyone.  I tried to back out of the date and he didn't just let it go.  

I said "We can go out.  I just want you to know where my head is at" and he responded "I get it. And I'm interested in you enough to hopefully change your mind.  I'm really interested in you.  Look how long I've chased you."

Years.  And my IMMEDIATE thought was me and how many others.

Is that fucked up?

Am I that jaded women or do I just know how many men operate in the dating game.

Am I that damaged?  Or smart?

Anyways.  He didn't just say "ok" when I tried to cancel the date.  And I don't feel like I'm misleading him when I told him the truth.  I'm not sure I want to do this.  With him.  Or anyone.

At least I know him and am fairly sure he won't hurt me in the "stranger danger" way.

My girl Steph has invited me out to a concert this week The Black Crows.  I can't wait to see her, and them.  Our first "Date" was a concert.  I knew her husband better than her because I had spent time at the warehouse hanging around with him, and my ex bf.  I had only met her a few times and she reached out and asked me if i'd like to go to a concert?  We saw "Heart" and began our friendship that night.  She is someone I love dearly, and yet rarely see.  

I need to see my friends more often.  I'm just so bad at reaching out.  I suck.