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You asked for it, you got it

 This isn't a nice blog entry.  It's a me being a temper tantrum cry baby say all the things and then be done with it blog entry.

Remember how much i crave closure?  I got it.  Full in the face, totally unexpected, got it.

I reached out to Mr. Tattoo.  Because, frankly, I didn't expect him to respond - I was hoping he wouldn't forget me.  I'm being honest here, not mature. I missed him enough that I considered the fwb situation because dating SUCKS and I don't like any of these men. 

Surprise of surprises, he responds. Granted, in a tone he would use with an ex co-worker who is looking for a reference.....but a response.  So I do what I do, and ask how he has been.  I want to know.  I had this picture of him in my mind as being home alone, in pain, with his dog...getting high, watching TV and hating going to work.

letting him hold space in my head and thoughts because someday he might want to reach out to me.  HA. MB you are a dumbass. 

I'm such a juvenile with childish wishes and hopes. 

So we go back and forth a bit and he then tells me he is seeing somebody and he doesn't stray.

He said he was seeing somebody.

We parted ways because I asked if we were seeing each other and that question/thought made him cut me off.

So......it wasn't the seeing someone part that was distasteful to him.  It was the seeing ME part.

Yeah, that felt like a gut punch and yes, it made me have to find a private space at work to pull my act together.  Head spinning.  insides hurting.  poor baby me, had to swallow a hard truth.  

It would have been less upsetting if he had just SAID that to me months ago instead of cutting me off.  I don't want a relationship with YOU.  I don't feel anything for YOU.  Sex is good but not worth having to see YOU or talk to YOU.

I'm trying to scratch down to the core and figure out what I feel at the moment.  Am I mad?  sad? bitter? pissed? disappointed?  

No.  This feeling is regret.  I'm pretty used to the above feelings but this one......regret....i haven't had a lot of it in my life/ I didn't believe in wasting time with it.

For fucks sake I could have avoided thinking of him all these months if he had just had the BALLS to tell me I wasn't the one for him instead of "I don't want a relationship, been there, done that"

Fuck him for leaving out those two little words "with you". 

Fuck him for not having the balls to save my feelings and time because he didn't want to deal with having to tell me the truth.  Intstead he ghosted me like a pussy. 

Fuck him just because. (I know I swear a lot and you know what?  Fuck you too if you don't like it) 

I had stars in my eyes thinking he was something special and the reality is that he is just another game playing, out for himself, male with a sad story to blind empathetic women.  The classic trauma bond which excuses him from any shitty behavior because nothing compares to that pain. 

I'm a sucker with a soft heart and thick skin so this is the type of man I fall for.  I get so wrapped up in them and their pain that I accept less than I deserve and actually VALIDATE it.

It's safe to say he has been moved into a different space in my head.  Another player who knows exactly how to get what he wants regardless of what it does to another person.  The truth would have saved me a lot of thoughts going toward him.........but that's not what he wanted.  Men loved to be adored with no effort.

Okay, I'm mad too.

He isn't a bad man because he didn't want to have a relationship with me.  Just to be clear.  

He isn't a bad man at all.

He's just a basic man, no better or worse than any others I've come in contact with.

and that, is very sad to me.  But now I know it, and can stop putting him on a pedestal.  Shame on me. 

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