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Yesterday la la la

 Yesterday i had to scroll through facebook messages to find a link sent by a friend.  While doing said scrolling I saw his face.  God Damn It.

I haven't thought of him for a few days and hadn't thought about NOT thinking about him.  And then this.  Fresh hurt.  He's so handsome, I can still hear his voice. ..I thought he was the guy.

 I re-read the messages. (BAD GIRL) At the end, it took me a while to figure out he wasn't going to respond.  After our "misunderstanding" which was a perfect understanding that we were not coming from the same place, that was it.  Done.  I had a boundary, stood in it, and lost the guy. 

(I know, I never had the guy)

I struggle with mixed feelings because if I had NOT said anything we would have probably still been spending weekends together having amazing sex, laughing our asses off, talking, watching movies, etc., you know, enjoying each other.  His third-shift life and my need for time to myself fit perfectly.  Our touching base with texts/ phone calls throughout the week.....it was the perfect balance, from my perspective.

With no labels, and an agreement not to do this with anyone else.....no claiming me as his.  

My old self thinks I self-sabotaged.  I ruined it.

BUT the healed woman I now am screams "fuck that".  I'm not a FWB.  I'm worthy of more. 

I didn't want any more than what we had at that moment, and all I wished for in the future was to share our lives, friends, and family eventually.  Not move in, not get married, not be attached at the hip.  And he was adamant about not wanting a relationship, while having one.  "just have fun" he said.  I was thinking about us WAY more than he was, for sure.  

I would have spent the next few years falling deeper and he would have felt like his disclaimer would be a safety net of feeling no guilt when he retired in 3 years and moved away without a backward glance.  OR he was already growing bored of me, OR....there are 10,000 reasons why men do or don't do what they do and I am BORED with thinking about it.  He just wasn't into me. 

The point is I identified dismissive behavior and this time, I stood up for myself. 

 With the right man, I wont have to protect myself because HE will be looking out for me.  So as much as it still sucks when I'm reminded, I did the right thing and he enforced it by vanishing from my life. 

I took a deep breath, deleted our conversations and "un-friended" him.  He doesn't need to accidentally view any details of my life.  And I don't need to see his face by surprise and feel that regret and confusion.  Being honest here, I finally let go of the idea that he might have a change of heart and miss me too.  Gross.  Problem solved. 

I can and will stand up for myself even when there's that almost definite outcome of that person walking away.  Those are not my people.  I'm gonna be fine.  

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