Patterns

 Have you ever just stood back and watched?  If you do, you can't help but see patterns within your relationships.  The key is to see it, sit with it, and decide if it's worth continuing with.

Family is obviously excluded.  My kids and my grandkids are stuck with me till the bitter end.  Nothing can tear me from them.  

I alwasy thought my close friends were the same, because some of them ARE family to me.  Even if we don't see each other often, it doesn't matter.  We both know a call is all that is needed and either one of us would come running.  With a shovel if need be.  

Sometimes, i need a break though. Sometimes a repeated monologue will make me fold into myself and give the obligatory "mmhmmm" and "oh my god".........because nothing more is required from me.  When that turns into a very long streak, i need a break.

So i take it.

I'm not great at relationships.  With the world my skin is pretty thick but with those close to me, a slight mood change will have me thinking its over.

The point to this?  I see a pattern with Bill.  He comes back with a flourish, a flooding of the senses, an overwhelming charisma that i can't see past to remember why there is a come back at all.  And then, when i've said, yes, i want to be with you - the other behavior starts.  Maybe he's not as consistent with calling, or maybe he makes comments that could be considered negative regarding my appearance...All things i would call him on in the past.

But this time, i'm managing my emotions.  When we go months of not talking, yes, i miss him.  But a part of me is relieved because there is no wondering.  We aren't together and he is out there doing whatever he does.  I don't have to wonder if he'll call, or text, or when i will see him again.  I don't have to wonder why he isn't as excited about making plans with me as i am with him.

But when we (he) decides we are back together, it seems to fall apart pretty quickly.  

This time, i jumped in full bore.  This is my last hurrah.  It's going to work, or it's not.  And it's not all on me.  I won't be pointing out that some of his comments make me consider being insecure (I feel good about myself, and my body - no person is going to make me feel bad about my progress)  He is a ball buster.  And so am i.  And in that way, we have fun.  However, i don't make comments about his appearance, ever.  Could I?  I'm sure i could.  But to me, he looks perfect.

I am super attracted to him and his overalls....of all the goddamn things.

He has small hands, small feet, and has a small stature.  He is not a big man.  It is his personality and presense, it is how he fill his space - that is larger than life.  And THAT has always been catnip to me.  I am attracted to masculinity, and this man is overflowing with it.

sometimes it's toxic.

I'm not actually one of the guys.  Sometimes his ball busting is too much.  And i know i'm not a pantywaste with no sense of humor.  Sometimes he pokes the sore spots on purpose.

And i don't get that.  

But i acknowledge it in my mind.  It's filed.  Because telling him just brings on a lot more ball busting.

And ........i dont' think thats great.

I do want to feel safe with him, both physically and mentally.  I don't always.  But yes, i do love him.  Have loved him, even though i've felt like a moron TO love him.  He makes me so fucking angry.  Sometimes i feel rage.

I don't get it.

I will say, that this time around i'm doing a lot more watching than participating.  I asked to see him Friday (I know I know) and he never answered me.  That got filed.  I won't ask again.  I realize his business is his life, that any kind of routine is going to be out of the question.  I can take that or leave it.  Right now i'm  taking it.

But I don't think he likes it when i make plans with my friends.  It makes me unavailable to him, even  though he is pretty much always unavailable to me until the last minute.  And yet, i will still make plans with my friends and carry on with my life.  

as he does.

It's important to me to feel secure.  And I don't.  We have spent more time broken up than together.  What i know for sure is this time i will put in 100%, i will not shut down and run over one disagreement, BUT, I will file away the times I feel as if this isn't real for him.  It's important for me to know i did all i could without forsaking myself.

He drives me wild, not always in a good way.  

But honestly, i'm bored by men who don't.  And THAT, is on me.

Everything takes time to evolve, and to learn and to adjust.  That has to be a two way street.

Last night he told me he hasn't been active on social media, that he doesn't want everyone knowing his business, that he keeps it very positive and general if he does post at all.  And my immediate thought was he was telling me not to post about us.

That got filed.

I will not be hidden away, for any reason.  If he isn't proud to be with me, then that will become apparent.  If he doesn't want other women to know he is in a relationship, that too, will become apparent.  I'm not going to be told not to post about my life or who i'm with.  If he doesn't want the world to know.........why not?

because this is too soon.  because we've gone round and round.  But .....he's either in, or out.

That's up to him.