He and i are good at experiencing the cycle of the comeback. He re-enters my life with a flood of charisma, attention, heat, presence, all the parts i love so much about him, and he sweeps me off my feet. But then, he pulls back, becomes more and more inconsistent, and his humor actually begins to hurt me, and chip away at my emotional safety. The relationship doesn't always give me space to express discomfort with some of the things he says, or does, without being dismissed, or teased even more...like my limits are being tested. I'm his woman, someone he should protect emotionally, not test.
I love so much about him. His big energy, his presence, his masculinity.....his dominance. But sometimes, it toxic or a version of alpha that needs me to be available to him, but doesn't offer the same in return. I have grown used to standing in the center of my own life, and I won't now begin to spin around his unpredictability. I shouldn't have to. I can't help but see the double standard. The inconsistencies.
The days of me becoming unsteady, begging for clarity, making excuses, chasing and shrinking myself for anyone are over. I fully show up in our relationship, while remaining conscious. Yes, i love his passion, his connection, his excitement but not at the cost of my stability, not at the expense of my emotional safety. I will not remain where i do not feel chosen. This cycle needs to work this time.
Previously i made all my romantic decisions based on my emotions because I am bored by men who do not light me up the way he does. But sometimes, his light burns me. My observations of our relationship and how it continues to grow, or not, over time will be my deciding factor. Not my heart. He has my heart.
I've grown to know myself through counseling, and the way love works for me, the way i love and want to be loved: It's observable, feelable, and consistent. It's not vague. It's not last, it's not hidden. My reminders to myself are these:
Consistency - Intensity is fun, but consistency is love. Yes, he gives me fireworks, his charisma is magnetic and sometimes overwhelming. I am blown away by him in the best and worst ways. But he needs to show up for me in the most mundane ways too though, not just the chemistry he sets off in me. I shouldn't ever have to wonder where i stand with him.
his behavior has to match his words. He needs to back up his charm with doing what he says hes going to do - by making plans, following through, thinking ahead. He is so good at initiating connection with me in the beginning, but that starts to fall off and it's not always because of work. When i don't hear from him all day and find out that he was talking to a female friend about someone elses marriage troubles...........but he dismisses me from talking to him about the same topics........that doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't match up. When he tells me that men aren't ever "just" friends with women, and he has so many female friends, that doesn't add up.
Emotional safety - I don't want to be coddled, or treated as if i have no sense of humor but there is a difference between joking and hurting me. Taking digs at my appearance, when teasing turns to humiliation, when i call it out and the teasing escalates.......thats using my vulnerability against me. I need my man to know the difference. Sarcasm that is used to hurt me, teasing that turns into disrespect, my soft spots poked for entertainment, or vulnerability that gets punished is not love. I need a partner that can handle honesty without turning it into ammunition. I love his playful masculinity but he goes too far sometimes. I'm not one of the guys. I am feminine, strong, sensual and emotional - and he should honor that.
Chosen - I need to feel chosen without ever having to second-guess. I don't want to feel like an afterthought that gets fit in in between all the important things. I want to be let into his life, not just his schedule. I want him to feel proud of me, like i am of him. Privately AND publically. I show up for him, i'm a giver of affection and assurance, I love him passionately, fully, completely. I need that in return. I'm not a secret to be hidden, or be told how to show my happiness. I deserve a relationship that is public in spirit, while private in details. One where me posting publically about our public life doesn't get discouraged, where he is proud to stand next to me socially and personally, where there is no gray area, no double life. If he wants me in private and not in public, he will not get me at all. He wants privacy for a reason, and none of the good ones apply. Our whole conversation about social media, which he brought up to me right when he probably felt i was going to post about our relationship? That was a soft boundary that he was implying for me. I'm not going to be hidden. Not for convenience, for ego, or because it might mess up options for him. I have self-worth. I'm in love with him and i want everyone to know it. If he doesn't, there's a reason. It should be me and him against the world. and everyone should know it.
Independence - My life is big and it needs to keep growing. I want to experience all the things both with and without him. I shouldn't have to shrink by keeping my life small. He should respect my friendships, not sabotage my plans (like when he broke up with me on my way to NY) and he shouldn't expect my life to revolve around him while he stays chaotic and last minute. A man who loves me will support the parts of my life that aren't about him - the way i support everything about his life that aren't about me. That is love, anything else is just access. A man who loves me will blend into my life, and vice versa - not bulldoze it.
I need to feel safe with him -I don't want a single disagreement to send him running. Or me running. We need to trust each other with our feelings without having to brace for the next withdrawal. Thats on both of us. He should work with me to repair with me when things go wrong. I shouldn't have to worry that the return of another woman will displace me in his life.
He envisions a future with me - more than just this moment. He should be thinking about whats next for us, not only right now, this minute. Plans should be made for the next weekend, or time that we will see each other. He should say "I want you to go with me to pick out the puppy". Him saying he doesn't know the day he's going, or that his friends want to take a road trip with him......that isn't sharing a future with me. If he can only live in the present moment with me, and is never building forward - he's not in love with me. If he can commit to work, shooting, fishing, hunting, friends.......I shouldn't be coming in last.
When i don't have to hold my breath or avoid talking about certain things, that is love. When i don't have to wonder if i'm asking too much, or feel crazy for having needs, that is love. When i don't feel like i'm put on the shelf to be taken down when he feels like playing with me. When i don't feel invisible, or worse, a guilty pleasure. That is love.
I won't take the responsibility for the whole relationship to be based on my being quiet and passive. Invisible.
I need him to choose me, not the cycle of the comeback. Not the settling for me because right now he thinks someone else just won't work out. I won't accept less than reciprocity of affection, openness, warmth, reassurance, passion and priority. No guessing games. I want to feel chosen every day with consistent admiration, visible desire, enthusiasm for me, and pride in me. As i have for him. Always.
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