mixed feelings. of course

 Life is as complicated as i make it.  I suppose.  I can choose at any moment to walk away from any situation.  We have that freedom.

I am very used to running.  I went from clinging on too long to situations that were hopeless to running like my ass was on fire at the first sign of trouble.  Life doesn't work that way.  There's a middle space that moves in extremes from one end to the other in degrees.  Thats the space where happiness is found.  I think.  

Elated feelings only mean you are going to come down from them.  Very low feelings can be extremely difficult to rise from from.  You need to be able to choke it back a notch, or rev it up a bit- the trick is to know when.

My gage is sticky.

I had a small freak out because i thought my son had forgotten me, and then that he thought of me as an afterthought.  Its' not true.  But it felt like it.  Because i get sensitive during the holiday and when things change up it throws me into a loop of "where is my place?"......unnecessary.  Bill tells me i suffer more in my head then i need too.  um. yeah?!

Christmas this year was different, very casual, very lovely.  I picked up my girls at the  train station and we went to my son's home where we had a late dinner and they had a very late into the night conversation.  I tucked my granddaughter in and then layed on the couch in and out of sleep, listening to my grown up children talk.

Very informed, talking about people i have no idea who they are (politics) and i realized....they aren't what i had thought they were.  They're thinking is as grey as mine.  both parties are fucked. I'm hoping that there are more of them out there, that feel the same.  Change is needed, but so is common sense and human decency.  I raised those people.  I've never been prouder or more impressed.  And that doesn't mean  i agree with all their thoughts - I just mean i am proud of their humanity and their clear vision.  

Christmas morning was filled with presents, and my son made "breaky", we lounged around and then I had to go and bring up my Miyagi.  I asked them if they saw a difference in him since Thanksgiving.  Of course they had.  And the hard conversation was started.  They were gentle with me, kind and supportive.  All three - my daughter, son and DIL.  They shared their own difficult choices with the pets they loved.  It was a very difficult choice for me to make, but my family helped me, and supports me and i have to say that if I ever believed they don't care about me, i was completely wrong.

Again.  I am so proud of these people.  Not every parent can say that.

I can't even write about Miyagi right now.  He has been with me for 10 years, and through everything with me, my constant ride or die.  I have never been without him for longer than 24 hours.  And even then only a handful of times.  He is my second heartbeat.  My best friend.  My true, pure love. And i must do what is right for him, not easier for me.  My heart is ...frozen.

With that difficult conversation, a rush of huge emotion and the fallout of a raging headache and a need to shit my brains out.......I decided it was time to go home and stop being the killjoy.  I drove home, showered, put a bag together and went to Bills for the second wave of Christmas day.

We exchanged presents, not all at once, but one at a time over the course of a few hours.  He'd give me one, and i'd give him one.  They we'd talk, and he cooked, and we'd talk some more.  We are never short of conversation.  He was very generous with his gifting, but not over the top embarrassing.  He was practical, and not cheap.  I loved everything he gave me.  And he seemed to really like what i gifted him.  Funny part is that the Carhartt knit cap with the light in it was the tickle spot, of all the gifts. No i didn't go overboard at all.  But i had listened to him in the course of our relationship and made mental notes, and physical notes in my bullet journal.  Documenting makes a difference when my memory seems to be shit.

He gets to use the cap immediately.  There's a big snow storm coming and he was already working on getting the crews together and making sure they are ahead of it.  He is my personal weather man.  I told him i was going out Friday night to see a band.  He told me we were stupid if we went out on the road and that we would  be putting our lives in danger and getting in the way of  the plows ....which annoyed the shit out of me.  He expresses himself very bluntly.  Soft speech is not his way.  

Turns out he is right anyways because the band rescheduled and my friends texted me this morning with all the winter warnings, and stay off the road messages. 

I hate it when i get annoyed and he is right.  urgh. 

He will be working all weekend with the storm and the cleanup.  He was anxious about getting enough sleep.  He told the boys he was going to kick me out soon so he could go to bed.

And my emotional alarm went haywire.  

I clicked off, as soon as i felt the wave of emotion.  The door slammed shut.  I got up, went to my shoes, took off my slippers and started getting ready to go.  He asked me what i was doing.  I told him.  He said he didn't mean right this moment.  I told him I did.  

I had planned to stay the night, we had talked about it.  I thought i was in kick back and relax mode.  Have a nice bourbon, go cuddle till sleep hit mode.  Wake up at 4:30am with the dogs, have coffee together and go our separate ways mode.  And he just chopped it off at the knees.  And it's not about sex.  Sex is not the highlight or our relationship - passion, yes.  Sex? spice of life, not main course.  For me, he is my person.  

I felt stupid.  I felt rejected, disappointed, angry, and .........like running.  He didn't let me.  He made me sit down and talk to him.  We had a conversation.  He told me what was going on in his head - i told him what was going on in mine.  We hit a good spot.  This is probably going to happen more often going forward.  I think this may be how adjusted, undamaged adults perform.  

I did go home, because i chose to, not because i was running.  I went home because it's not a big deal and he was getting really preoccupied with the storm and the crew and work.  I wanted to sit with a nice adult beverage in front of a fire and fall asleep whenever the sleep took me.  Unregimented, no deadline.  So i did it.  And i drank a nice big glass of wine out of the glass he gave me in front of my electric fireplace watching football, not the weather, with my animals.  And i was peaceful.  And he did what he does......and he was satisfied.  Worked out for both of us.

Maybe someday we will do that in the same living space.  Or maybe we will come to find out that it's not meant to be.  Right now, it's still new.  As much as i think i know, i don't.  Only time tells. 

Every day is a choice.  It's not like the fairy tales, or the 80's movies or music.  It's not forever after it's a daily experience of choosing one thing over another.  

I have learned, to choose myself first.  Value myself first.  It doesn't mean that I only care about myself, it means i care enough about myself that i can care for others deeper.  I'm not desperate to make something happen that isn't ready to happen.  I'm trying not to run at the first sign of conflict because i'm afraid i won't be heard or understood for having feelings.  

So it was a Merry Chistmas although i cried in front of my kids, and in Bills bathroom to get my emotions under control.   I think i did pretty good over all.  

Now comes New years eve.  My birthday.  Another loaded holiday filled with memories of being disappointed and/or forgotten.  Gotta love that life tests you at every turn.

My family and Bill both made my christmas a good memory this year.  And for that, i am joyful.

Merry Christmas holiday to readers (my future self?) I hope that the joy of the holiday warms your heart for at least a few moments.  That the light of hope fills you, that the memories of Christmas past teaches you, and that you look forward to the future with a clear conscious and a fresh clean slate to write your dreams and hopes on.